


I'm Weak, What's Wrong with That? (Adopted Story)

by CinnamonRoll321



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Burr centric, Character Death, Descriptions of depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Child Abuse, Polyamory, Poor Aaron Burr, Rape/Non-con Elements, Slow Burn, Slow To Update, Trigger Warnings, super slow updates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-13
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-08-01 06:58:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 25,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16279841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CinnamonRoll321/pseuds/CinnamonRoll321
Summary: Aaron had always been the doting husband, to always be there for his darling wife, but with one illness Aaron finds himself a widow that attracted the wrong attention before the good. With a few more wounds, Aaron finds himself in Virginia whose neighbor wants the best for him.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [I'm weak so what's wrong with that?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11341122) by [cartoon_lie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cartoon_lie/pseuds/cartoon_lie). 



> So... I'm not dead!
> 
> Serisouly though, I've been working on this for soooo long and now here's the first chapter!!
> 
> Thanks to captian_trash (https://archiveofourown.org/users/captain_trash/pseuds/captain_trash) for editing my work, and huge thanks to cartoon_lie!! AKA, the original author to this story. Please check out the original story (https://archiveofourown.org/works/11341122/chapters/25381506) , I found it inspirational and I hope this lives up to what they hoped it would become.

Saturday had always been a slow start for most, children whose school days wouldn’t start until Monday and the adults who worked by office hours all slept in to enjoy their moments of peace. There was a couple who lived in a quaint house up in the quiet parts of New York, where people didn’t come poking their noses, giving them privacy and tranquility through the day. Sure it was a struggle for the husband to get to work, but he didn’t minded because it made the wife so happy that they could plant a garden; even though she hated dirt. The wife of said couple, Theodosia, wanted nothing more than to sleep in well past a reasonable time for breakfast however, her plans were ruined when a horrible, aching feeling forced her to wake up. She groaned and rolled onto her back, tangling herself up in the bed sheets and blankets even more. Theodosia heaved herself up and waited for what came almost every morning. In a moment or two, Theodosia was hacking her lungs out, coughing and gasping.

She hated it. She hated her stupid immune system and her intolerance to get better, it’d been like this since she was a child. School days were rare, if she went at all, and her much younger self was often bedridden with a cold or fever. The doctors give her parents medicine and instructions, and when they asked if she would always be this sick the doctors always said her illness was only happening because she was a child. Well, years later, well into adulthood, and she was still often bedridden with some illness. Her husband, Aaron, often fussed over her. He always dropped his things and made sure Theodosia was content and happy. Speaking of her husband, Theodosia looked over to the empty space were Aaron would usually be and rolled her eyes. Another reason to get out of bed would be to make sure Aaron wouldn’t waste his day away on work.

Theodosia yawned as she dragged herself from her bed and over to the closet, she pulled out a burgundy dress and changed out of her nightgown. She frowned as the dress appeared to swallow her thing frame. Theodosia sighed, walking over to the mirror and frowning at her reflection. Her body mass has been evaporating right before from her eyes over such a short period of time. It wasn’t like she was trying, it was just happening no matter what she did. Theodosia looked down at her fingers. They had always been long and slander, but now they were more boney, so much so that her wedding ring didn’t fit anymore. It just slides right off. Instead of wearing it on her finger, Theodosia opted to wear it on a necklace that hung around her equally slender neck. Pushing her worries aside Theodosia left the bedroom and walked to her husband’s study.

Like she’d thought, Aaron was busily working away on whatever urgent business that demanded his attention. She would never call Aaron a workaholic, but he spent a good portion of his days at a desk with a quill; however, if Theodosia ever asked for his time Aaron gladly put his quill down and gave her his full attention. Theodosia knew her husband better than anyone in this world. She knew he always put his quills and ink in the second drawer of his desk. She knew that Aaron had a fear of God, and she knew Aaron would put her above anything. Almost every day he would tell her how thankful he was to be with her husband.

The two had met on a ship, and by chance they bumped into each other. That was over three years ago, but Theodosia remembered it clearly. She was sea sick and throwing up over the side of the ship, her head woozy. As she clinged to the side of the ship for a lifeline, Theodosia wondered how this could get any worse when a younger man asked if she was alright.

Theodosia had tried to play it off, but before she could put on a trained smile she was puking over the side of the ship again. The young man offered to help return her to her room. Too sick and weak to say no, Theodosia let him take her to her quarters on the ship; however, when they got to her room he didn’t leave. Instead, he asked if he could keep her company. Now, Theodosia could tell by the look of him that she was much older, maybe by ten years or so, and she knew if anyone saw them enter her room together rumors would have spread throughout the ship. If said rumors reached her husband’s ears, she wouldn’t hear the end of it. For whatever reason though, Theodosia let him stay. She soon learned his name was Aaron Burr.

Aaron entertained her all day and stayed by her side by night to play nurse. Theodosia had been grateful for Aaron’s soft smiles, calm voice, and caring hand, so much so that she played sicker than she really was. They talked and debated over politics and laws and whatever they found common ground. Theodosia may have been married, but her relationship with her husband was nothing more than friendly, like an arranged marriages. When she felt her heart tug and yearn for Aaron, she didn’t feel bad for it. Her husband would understand on some level, if not then she’d have to remind him about the woman he was seeing on the side. On the last night of their voyage, Theodosia didn’t let Aaron go back to his room. She insisted he stay the night. Aaron’s face went scarlet red and had tried to warn her that it’d be taboo for him to spend the night in the same room with a married woman. Theodosia had shrugged and pulled him in her bed. She said she didn’t care. They didn’t have sex. They didn’t tease each other. They kept their clothes on. The two just spent the night cuddling and staying close to each other. From the moment Aaron fell asleep in her arms Theodosia knew her heart was his. A million little things solidified into one solid thought: she wanted this man for herself.

The first time they kissed had been brief and short. It was on the last night on the ship and they were playing a game of goldfish, the only card game Aaron knew how to play, Theodosia had been losing and Aaron was poking fun so to make it more interesting Theodosia proposed that she can kiss him if she wins; if only she had a painter to capture Aaron’s red face. He agreed because he thought he had the upper hand, however when he agreed to Theodosia’s bet she stepped up her game and suddenly Aaron found his cornered. Theodosia won the child’s game and held back a smile as Aaron frowned. Before he could claim a rematch Theodosia pecked him on the lips making him go quiet.

When the ship made it to their destination they didn’t separate. Theodosia had planned to stay at a friend’s house while they were away for the week and of course she begged Aaron to stay with her. Aaron had been a little hesitant, but caved after her persistent begging. They cleared their schedules and spent almost every moment together. For once Theodosia didn’t mind being sick because it meant Aaron would take care of her. Whenever she was well enough, Aaron took her out. The days when she wasn’t sick weren’t the best though, even when Aaron took her to music shop. It was the nights they spent together. They eat dinner together in bed then Aaron would talk to her as he did the dishes.  Afterwards they played piano. Theodosia would play some notes and Aaron followed with a set of his own. Of course there were music sheets they could play off, but this was nicer. As they played their hands often touched and their shoulders would bump into each other. Theodosia could feel her skin tingle every time Aaron accidentally touched her and her heart nearly beat its way out of her chest when Aaron laid his head on her shoulder. They exchanged few words between them whilst they fooled around on the piano, but Theodosia didn’t mind it. The quiet felt like a comforting blanket around them.

Too soon the week came to an end and Theodosia had to return home.

“Should we put an end to our relationship?” Aaron asked as they packed their belongings.

Theodosia looked to Aaron with her big brown eyes, studying his calm façade. “Do you wish to end it?”

“No,” Aaron confessed, shaking his head. “What of your husband though? Doesn’t he deserve you? Why should I come between the two of you, what right do I have to ruin your marriage-?”

Theodosia stopped that trail of words by kissing him. Kissing Aaron had always felt like a shot of honey, so sweet and his lips so very soft against her rough ones. They only kissed when they were sure no one was looking, only in the bedroom where privacy was almost always a guarantee. Aaron never wanted to go any further with a married woman and Theodosia respected it. She was more than content with Aaron’s lips. Theodosia parted herself from Aaron’s mouth and smiled down at her boy.

“Don’t worry about my marriage. I’m a grown woman and I can handle my husband,”

Theodosia said. “The choices I make are my responsibilities, not yours. Keep those silly thoughts out of your pretty head.”

Aaron pouted. “I’m not pretty.”

“Of course you are. I have the highest tastes,” Theodosia teased. She grinned as Aaron rolled his eyes.

They finished their packing and said one more goodbye before parting; even though Theodosia knew a part of her stayed with Aaron. The ride back on the ship was worse. This time she had no gentleman to accompany her. She used the time to plan out what to say to her husband. Her stomach had twisted into knots from embarrassment and guilt. She leaves for one week and comes back to say she wants a divorce? There was nothing to do but to tell the truth.

Thankfully for Theodosia, Jacques took it better than she had hoped. He soberly wished her good luck in her next relationship, and willingly filed the divorce papers. The two had never been romantic in their marriage, no children or even pets to tie them together. There wasn’t much to say good-bye to, but there was a lot to look forward to. In a few months Theodosia and Aaron found a house in New York they could call home. In even less time they eloped. Aaron had never been one to jump into anything so when he proposed Theodosia said yes immediately. She knew how much it meant.

Theodosia quietly walked over to Aaron. Thankfully he hadn’t heard or noticed her yet so without fail she snuck up behind him and grasped his shoulders. Aaron jumped and screamed. Theodosia laughed at her husband’s fear and just pulled an innocent smile. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and rested her head down on Aaron’s. Theodosia’s smile softened as Aaron relaxed and leaned into her. He always forgave her no matter how often she scared or played tricks on him.

“Darling, it’s Saturday, don’t work,” Theodosia groaned. “You could be spending your time doing better things than slaving away with a quill and paper.”

“How do you propose I do that?” Aaron said, buying into her.

“Why with me of course!”

“I don’t know, that doesn’t sound so fun.”

Theodosia dramatically gasped and stood up straight. “Why I have never been more insulted in my life! By my own husband too! What cruelty is this?”

She spun around on her heels, causing her braids to fly, and began to walk away in a huff. Aaron stood up and took her hand, pulling her back into a hug. He kissed her check in an attempt to make up for his words, but Theodosia had already made up  her mind that she was going to be as dramatic as possible about this to get him out of his office for the rest of the day.

“I’m sorry, honey,” Aaron said, giving her puppy eyes. “Please forgive me?”

“I’m not sure,” Theodosia sighed. “It’ll take time to heal such a wound, but I think I know what you can do to make me feel better.”

“What’s that?” Aaron smirked; he already knew what she was going to say.

“Make me breakfast?” Theodosia asked in the sweetest tone she could muster.

Aaron chuckled and kissed her quickly. “If that’s what I must do to make amends, then I shall.”

“What a lucky wife I am,” Theodosia cooed.

The two giggled all the way to the kitchen, their arms intertwined together. Aaron sat Theodosia down at the kitchen table, a doting husband like always, then began to make them breakfast. Theodosia sat her head down on the table, smiling softly as she watched her Aaron move around the kitchen gracefully; knowing exactly where everything was from the top of the ceiling to the bottom the cellar. Aaron pulled a pan out from the cabinet and placed it on the stove. He set the fire in the stove and while the pan grew hot, he went off to prep the rest of the meal. He fetched the kettle, filled it with water, and set that on the stove as well for their tea. Theodosia watched Aaron walk around, often going backwards, to retrieve something. His hard work would come in the form of breakfast, something she wasn’t capable of doing. Theodosia was a horrible cook. Milk soured at the touch of her finger tips. Fruit rotted the moment she looked its way. She was so thankful Aaron never asked her to cook. She wasn’t sure she could handle the embarrassment.

In a little over a half hour, Aaron produced two plates full of delicious food. A plate of scrambled eggs, a sausage, a few tomato slices, and a cup of green tea. It was simple, but Theodosia didn’t care. Once Aaron sat down the two dug into their meal, twittering like little birds in the morning as they gossiped about what the other might like to hear. When they finished, Theodosia helped Aaron clean up and afterwards she pulled her husband outside for a walk.

“So when are you going to finish that garden?” Aaron asked with a teasing smile.

It had been an inside joke between them since they moved into this house. Theodosia always wanted a beautiful garden she grew herself; however, when she finally got down to it she soon realized that she couldn’t stand dirt or worms. Aaron would always tease her for it, a little comment about the weather, or perhaps he’d buy her gardening gloves even though he knew she would never wear them. Of course Theodosia never let Aaron get away with these jokes and often chased her husband with a pillow to beat him.

“I’m not sure, my dear,” Theodosia sighed dramatically, a smirk spread across her face. “I’m afraid the man-eating worms have become real pests, constantly gobbling up all my hard work.”

“Why would they be eating flowers if they eat humans?” Aaron retorted, playing along with her.

Theodosia shrugged. “They’re vegetarians.”

The two looked at each other with serious faces. They held it for a minute or two before cracking up and laughing. Theodosia laughed until her lungs and throat hurt, forcing her to stop and start coughing instead. Aaron’s laughter soon faded away and he protectively held her in case she fell over. Theodosia coughed and wheezed, her throat and eyes now burning. Eventually, she stopped and took big gulps of air. Aaron rubbed her back to comfort her. It worked like always as Theodosia leaned into his touch. Aaron’s face showed his grave concern and worry for his wife. It was a face Theodosia knew all too well as she saw it whenever she showed signs of illness; which was rather often.

“I’m fine, love,” Theodosia tried to say in a confident voice; however, her throat was hoarse and sounded like she had been gurgling nails. “It’s a silly cough, nothing more or less. You know how weak my lungs are.”

Theodosia could practically see the engines in his mind turn until a semi-peaceful state rested on his face.

“Okay, Theo,” Aaron agreed.

Nothing else was said on their walk to the town. It felt awkward and tense. Theodosia felt words on her tongue wanting to roll out, but she didn’t say anything because there was nothing to be said. She had a bad cough, end of story. A cough wasn’t going to end her or her aching stomach and the vile taste at the back of her throat, Theodosia had overcome many illnesses before and this was just one of them. When they arrived in town the awkward moment passed over their heads. Going into town was a treat, they lived so far out and didn’t have a carriage. Aaron usually came into town for his work, but he usually took his work home as often as possible. When they found the time to go into town together, they would always visit the music store around the corner. Theodosia and Aaron had visited so often that the store owner knew them by name and now knew what they came for. Theodosia excitedly swung Aaron’s arm before tugging him like a child. Aaron chuckled and smiled, and that’s all that it took for Theodosia to feel better; at least emotionally.

Their day in town went by so, after they were bored of the music shop they went to the bookstore. Theodosia selected a book on knitting, to Aaron’s amusement. He commented that Theodosia was going all out with the housewife idea. Theodosia responded that it was for him since he did all the cooking. The two laughed about it, but neither put the book back. They ended up purchasing it along with their other books. Their last trip was to the sweet shop. It was small with few options, but Theodosia and Aaron were just as thankful for it. Aaron bought lemon drop while Theodosia went for a sweeter choice of chocolate. Satisfied and content, the couple decided to head home.

Theodosia sighed as she watched the clouds in the sky roll by. There was a pounding in her head, but it was she had grown use to over time, besides how could she focus on that when her day was going so well? Aaron smiling was all it took for her ignore it. As they walked home, Aaron leaned on her. It was so familiar and comfortable. Theodosia always welcomed her little husband into her arms. The pounding in her head began to distract her reality, days like these always challenged her. Her senses always dulled whenever it happened, causing her world to distort in front of her eyes. Not wanting to upset Aaron, Theodosia kept her discomfort to herself.

“Do you think we’ll actually ration out our candy this week?” Aaron asked when they came home.

Theodosia scoffed. “I thought we stopped trying to make impossible goals, honey.”

Aaron rolled his eyes and put their sweets away. The husband and wife retired to the living room to enjoy their new books, Theodosia sat on the sofa and Aaron quickly joined her by tucking himself by her side. She wrapped her one arm around Aaron and got her book; in the process pulling Aaron closer. Aaron rested himself against Theodosia before sticking his book up to his nose. For a moment’s peace, everything was alright between the two of them. Theodosia, however, felt herself being consumed by the raging pain within her body. The headache that had started just at the back of her forehead was now pounding against her skull. She tried to focus on the words, but the mind numbing pain caused them to blur together. If a headache alone wasn’t terrible enough than the pain in her stomach was the cherry on top. Theodosia pulled her handkerchief out from her skirt pocket and placed it over her mouth, she coughed one which was all it took to start a full blown coughing fit.

Her husband sat up from his position and rested a hand on her back, gently rubbing in soothing motions. Theodosia tried to give him a reassuring smile, but her brain felt like mush at this point and her throat was on fire. She retched and finally felt some relief from her throat. When she pulled the handkerchief away from her mouth her eyes grew as big as saucers as her eyesight focused on the crimson drops staining the white fabric.

“Theodosia?” Aaron spoke up, breaking her mangled thoughts. “Are you alright, dear?”

Theodosia took a gulp of air. There was no pretending her way out of this. “I need a doctor, can you fetch me a doctor, darling?”

She didn’t look up from her handkerchief, but she could feel Aaron’s shock. His hand stopped cold and his stare bore into her head, eventually his hand left her back - unfortunately - and Theodosia listened to his hurried footsteps leave their home. She was alone with nothing but whatever illness that was trying to kill her from inside her very own body. Theodosia couldn’t think, from the shock, or the mind-numbing headache that would not leave her alone. During her wait all Theodosia could think was what would happen if this _did_ kill her? A rush of fear ran down her spine. She had always believed that she would be ready when death came for her, but her preparations had been before when she didn’t have Aaron; when she didn’t have something to look forward to. Her hand clutched the handkerchief in a death grip, her knuckles turning white.

Some time later Aaron returned with the doctor. Similar to when she was a child, Theodosia was asked questions ranging from what she had eaten  to how much sleep she’s been getting, or if she had been in contact with anyone sick recently. Theodosia answered all the questions the doctor had, resisting the urge to roll her eyes, or snip at her. What stopped her from making the questionnaire longer was the fact the woman was just doing her job, and another part was the look on Aaron’s face. The look utter terror and concern. Aaron’s eyes were wide with tears threatening to spill over. If she couldn’t respect the doctor’s profession, then she could at least do this for Aaron. Once the doctor’s questions were done and over with, she had Theo moved up to her bedroom for a more thorough evaluation. Theodosia dressed in her nightgown as the doctor got her equipment out. She didn’t focus on the examination so much as she kept her attention trained on Aaron; as if he was the one coughing blood. He was a fragile thing with a tender heart. Aaron had the tendency to hide it with stone mask, but Theodosia knew better. She knew those brown and blue eyes and how they could light up, or how his mouth quirked when he was irradiated. However she wasn’t sure what would happen to him if she were to vanish one day.

“Alright, Mrs. Burr,” Dr. Schuyler began when she was done with the examination, “I’ve done as much as I could to see what the problem is.”

“Well?” Aaron chirped in.

The doctor looked to him and placed a hand in her pocket. “First of all, your wife is underweight. I would recommend more food in her diet; however, since Mrs. Burr is easily nauseous I’ll have to say try to switch up foods to see how she reacts.” Dr. Schuyler then looked back to her. “Record how you feel throughout the day. It’ll give me a clearer insight.”

“What about the blood?” Theodosia asked.

“The blood… I’m afraid I’m unsure of the blood,” the doctor confessed with an apologetic look. “The best I can do is recommend a medicine that might work, as well as regular checkups.”

Theodosia sighed. “Okay, thank you Dr. Schuyler for coming on such short notice.”

The doctor nodded and said her goodbyes before leaving their home. Normally Aaron would offer to walk her home considering the distance, but today was different. As soon the door shut, Aaron dove into Theodosia’s embrace. Theodosia let out a small “oof” as Aaron held onto her slim figure and hid his face in her shoulder. She wished she could say something to comfort her small husband, but all she could think to do was rub Aaron’s back. They stayed like that for a moment’s breath. All the while Theodosia felt her mind race. There was something inside her, an illness that was fighting back her immune system, and Theodosia felt her paranoia get the better of her. How long had it been festering inside her? Was there a point where she could’ve stopped it? Theodosia suppressed a groan. She didn’t expect her life to go slow, dragging on as a sickness practically destroyed her inside out. Theodosia had hoped she would pass away in her sleep one day. Maybe that night would come, but now it was sooner than she expected. A small noise forced Theodosia to stop thinking. It took her longer than she’d like to admit, but when she put two and two together she realized it was Aaron. Oh God, what would happen to Aaron if she were to die?

Theodosia gently pried Aaron’s face from her shoulder and cupped his checks with her hands. They were warm against her cold palms; however, it was more from the fact he was crying than his body temperature. Theodosia made a sympathetic noise and sat up, careful to keep Aaron close, and used her thumbs to wipe away his tears. Her poor boy looked like a mess. His eyes were red and his checks wet, his nose was runny and his mouth trembled. Theodosia’s heart broke at the sight of Aaron like this.

“Oh, Ronnie,” Theodosia cooed, her voice straining. “Don’t cry, don’t cry.”

Aaron hiccupped and sniffled, softly shaking his head. “Y-you’re sick. Th-The Do-octer do-doesn’t even kn-o-ow what’s wrong.”

“It’s okay, my darling,” Theodosia whispered, running her hand over Aaron’s head. “All will be fine, I promise.”

“Y-ou, you can’t promise that,” Aaron croaked.

Theodosia knew he was right, but for a moment she didn’t have to be right. For now, she just had to be Aaron’s doting wife and comfort him. However long she could before she needed him.

Which came sooner than either hoped.

Like Schuyler had said, she gave Theodosia different medications and treatments that she thought could help. Theodosia recorded her eating and her more frequent vomiting spells down in her journal, being careful and specific about everything. Aaron played his part as the sweet husband. He bought a load of cook books, looking through them to find recipes that might miraculously keep food down in Theodosia’s stomach. He went out and bought ingredients with names he couldn’t pronounce, spent time translating foreign recipe books to English. His work came last now that his wife had fallen ill. Theodosia hated that. She hated that she couldn’t do anything, except lay in bed and puke into a pot, but that’s all she could do. As months passed and the remedies failed and the doctor’s advice fell through, Theodosia’s pain grew. Her headaches were never ending and often she felt too dizzy to focus on anything. The bed was either too warm or too cold. Aaron was constantly opening and closing the windows and tucking her in. Then there was the sharp pain in her stomach.

At first it was something she could ignore, and then later the pain grew to feeling as if a knife was in her gut. Her weight never stopped dropping, no matter Aaron’s efforts to find something she could eat. If Theodosia being honest thought, it wasn’t the pain, or the weight dropping, or even the waste of food that bothered her the most. It was the fact she was too high up on painkillers to know what day it was. She was in a state of mind that made her feel as if she were swimming in a wild ocean; constantly reaching out for the surface but was only pulled down under again. Yes, the pain was numbed, but so was her mind. She almost wished she would just die, almost. There was still Aaron. No matter how hard she tried to hold out, she felt herself lose her grip on life slipping.

One night, Aaron decided to do something special. He dimmed the lights low and set some coloured paper in a way to make the candles light shine a soft purple; their colour. Aaron curled up beside her in bed and held her hand. They spoke of nothing, they just smiled at each other and lavished in each other’s companies. It was time. She felt herself lose control of her body. It relaxed as she started to go completely numb from her toes up.

“Goodnight, my darling,” Theodosia whispered.

“Goodnight, my dear,” Aaron said back, tears running down his face.

The last thing she saw was Aaron’s soft but sad smile before a white light blinded her.


	2. How about a Drink?

Morning light swept through Aaron’s windows and stretched across the small bedroom, casting shadows across the floors where the sun’s light didn’t reach. It was Saturday. People in their right minds slept in and enjoyed the day off. Aaron wasn’t in his right mind. He’d been up since three in the morning, insomnia forcing his eyes open, while the heavy feeling in his chest trapped him in his bed. Nothing was different. He’d been like this since…since September the third. Aaron quietly sighed to the empty room before heaving himself up in bed. He blinked a few times to try and rid the tiredness from his eyes. The widow subconsciously ran a hand over his head, feeling the hair that had begun to grow out. He usually kept it all shaved off, but these days he couldn’t bring himself to care. Theodosia had always wanted him to grow his hair out, remarking how handsome it’d look, or how they could have matching braids. The memories formed a knife and stabbed him in the heart. Tears whelmed in his eyes, returning once again with the bittersweet thoughts.

It’d been only two months, but Aaron already felt his memories of her fading. Her smile, the way she would hum, the soft touch of her hands, it was all distant now. Like a mirage in the desert, no matter how hard Aaron tried to remember, or preserve his Theodosia to last longer, it all disappeared from the tips of his fingers. The gorgeous smile was now just a dusty painting he couldn’t clean, her humming a tune he couldn’t place, and her touch was just his paranoid thinking. What was left of her was Aaron’s memories and the small pouch he kept around his neck. Before they buried her in the ground for the maggots and worms to fest on, Aaron took a lock of her hair and tied it with a string to keep it from falling apart along with her wedding ring. Aaron kept in close to him at all times, knowing that it was all that was left of his dear Theodosia.

Aaron rose from his bed, shivering from the cold floor against his bare feet, and took a glance around his new house. A week after Theodosia’s death he couldn’t stand living in their old home anymore. Every corner caused memories to stir, or even worse Aaron would think he’d hear the piano, or catch the skirt of her dress going around the corner. Having spent most of his money on her funeral and his lack of working, Aaron sold almost everything in their home. What he earned from that went into his new house. He moved into town, picking the first small house that was on for sale. He often felt cramped and the noises at night forced him to stay awake. The house was cold, no life or comfort in the walls, or any fondness. To him it was just a roof over his head, not a home.

Like most days, Aaron pushed his thoughts deep down and got ready for the day. He dressed in black and grey clothes, not bothering to add any colour to his appearance. Why should he? Theodosia had been the light of his life. Now she was gone and he was stuck in the dark. Aaron grabbed his bag for work and headed uptown to his office.

Countless people passed him, often bumping into him to rush past. Sometimes Aaron wondered if they could tell how miserable he is, but why should they care? To a stranger he’s just another inhabitant on this Earth. Maybe it was his loneliness that was starting to get to him. Neither his family nor Theodosia’s had approved of their relationship. They believed the age difference was too great and the fact that they got together while Theodosia was already married made them frown in disappointment. Theodosia couldn’t have cared less. She knew what she wanted and nothing was going to stop her. However, Aaron found the funeral lonely. Theodosia and him had been disowned, neither his or her family came to her funeral. He walked faster, wanting to arrive to work as soon as possible to distract himself from the sad truth. His loneliness was his own fault. He couldn’t blame everything on disapproving relatives. During his period of grief Aaron pushed and snapped at the hands that offered him help. Now he was alone with only work to keep him going. It was fine. That’s what Aaron told himself. He hurried through the crowd, keeping his head down to avoid any awkward glances. When he raised his head up after fishing his office key from his pocket, Aaron saw a man standing by the entrance of his law practice. Aaron held back a sour face, he was hoping to have a moment of peace to reorganize things before having to talk to anyone today. Aaron composed himself and put on a practiced, polite smile.

Aaron’s eyes looked the stranger up and down. The man was taller than him by an inch or two.  He looked to be around his age, though the bags under his eyes added a few years, but Aaron could tell by the look in his brown eyes that he was still full of life; unlike himself. The man’s clothes were baggy and old. His brown hair was pulled back into a tight ponytail and peach fuzz grew out from his chin. As Aaron was studying the man, he looked in Aaron’s direction. The impatient scowl slipped away and turned into an excited grin. Even with the distance between them, Aaron could feel himself being smothered by this man’s eagerness.

“Good morning, sir,” the man greeted. “I’ve been waiting for you.”

“I could tell,” Aaron retorted. “Forgive me, but I don’t remember setting an appointment with you.”

The man nervously chuckled. “We don’t have an appointment, sir. I heard of you and I saw some of your work, I just wanted to meet you.”

“That’s… nice of you,” Aaron were the only words he could get out, trying to hide his mixed emotions. His main feeling was confusion. He had no idea why this man would actively seek him out, or what he wanted from him. He unlocked the door and glanced at the man from the corner of his eye. The man was clearly not done with him yet. “Would you like to come in?”

“That would be nice!” The man’s face lit up, like he got what he wanted all along.

Aaron opened the door and walked in, trying not to focus on the fact the stranger walked in as well. It was early in the morning and Aaron had not yet composed himself. He was barely able to face the day, let alone talk to a stranger about what he wanted. He usually took time to prepare, have things together, but Aaron could tell he wasn’t going to be able to get rid of this man. Aaron set his things down and sat at his office desk. His office was and always has been organized, neat, and tidy. He needed to be. Aaron needed a grip, something to which he could control. If he couldn’t keep his wife then he could at least keep his office clean. Everything could be found in a matter of seconds and Aaron prided himself on that. Aaron gestured towards the couch for clients. The man flashed a gratitude smile and made himself at home.

“So,” Aaron began, “what brings you here today?”

“Well, sir, my name is Alexander Hamilton. Like I said before, I heard of your work and I must admit I’m a fan. I was wondering if you maybe would care to take on a partner.”

Aaron blinked. “I’m sorry, what?”

“A partner,” Hamilton repeated. “Someone who’d be there with you in court, have your back, share the load-”

“I know what you mean by partner,” Aaron interrupted. “I’m just… We just met and I’d feel rather uncomfortable hiring you after just learning your name.”

Alexander chuckled nervously. “I apologize, sir. I’ve grown up learning to know what I want and to chase after it at all costs.”

“That’s a dangerous way to live,” Aaron muttered.

“What was that, sir?”

“Never mind. Please call me Aaron. I’d like to get on friendlier terms with you if you wish to be my partner.”

Aaron wasn’t sure why he was bothering to entertain Alexander’s idea of being his partner. He had never needed a partner before. He could hold his own in court. The thought of having a partner never crossed his mind; however, that was back when he had Theodosia. She always looked over his work and gave her honest opinion, challenging him and trying to improve his work. Now, Aaron was alone. He worked harder, constantly rereading and rewriting the paragraph he just wrote down, looking for errors among his words. It was mind numbing and frustrating, Aaron felt sympathy for his late Theodosia whenever he felt a headache start pulsing. Now this was the most human contact he’s had since Theodosia; aside from his clients. Someone had seeked him out and wanted to speak to him, someone knew Aaron was alive. Perhaps attention-starved, Aaron didn’t want Alexander to leave just yet.

Before letting some man off the street into his business, Aaron interviewed him. Asking countless questions and running scenarios by him, trying to trip him up to see how quickly he recovered. Most importantly, Aaron wanted to see if this man let his tongue runoff. What threw off lawyers the most was when they ran off the rails. They worked in a courtroom, not on a stage. You say what you need to convince the jury of your statement, and then you hear your opponent. Aaron knew the dangers of losing the jury's attention; boring them with long arguments. Throughout the interview, Alexander showed potential. His temper and passion almost ruined the scenario case, but Aaron believed he could help him with that. Alexander nearly hugged him when he said he’d let Alex work with him and after Alexander got his emotions out, Aaron drew up a contract. The terms outlined stated very clearly that Alexander would work under Aaron’s direction for the first two months as a test to see how compatible they were. At the end of the first month, they would evaluate their business situation and go from there. Aaron made sure to add a clause stating that Alexander would be paid the same as him. It was a small detail, but Aaron felt that if he was going to take someone under his wing they should also benefit from it. His brand new partner signed away after carefully reading it over and, just like that, Aaron and Alexander were now a team.

Aaron was still unsure about it, and a week later he was still just as unsure. It’d been a while since he had talked to people professionally and Alexander liked to talk. A lot. From when they greeted each other in the morning, to when Aaron was locking up to head home. Theodosia and him chattered, sure, but Alexander talked enough for a whole courtroom full of people. Speaking of courtrooms, on one case Aaron brought Alexander along for a court date to see how the man would work. Alexander was… passionate to say the least. He was talented for sure, leading his opponents in circles and talking in a way that sounded urgent, wanting to be heard. However, Alexander had a temper. At times, he forgot himself and started swearing. He almost challenged a jury member to a fight! Aaron had to apologize to the Judge countless times, explaining how Alexander was new and still learning.

After that incident Aaron kept Alexander out of the courtroom. Being excluded did not sit well with Alexander. For a week Alexander was grumpy and snippy, but eventually he got over himself. Then his talent for writing showed through like a beacon of light. Alexander had a talent for words, though sometimes he’d go on for too long, but Aaron was there to help edit out some of that. Alexander had a way of making the ink on the paper come alive, almost having a voice to which one could hear. It was probably because of his writing that Aaron wrote up a yearlong contract once the month was over.

As time passed their relationship neither grew or diminished. Alexander was friendly, maybe too friendly, but Aaron wasn’t born yesterday and he had been married. As the leaves turned from their joyful green to a calming orange, Alexander grew out of his boyish charm and acted more like a school boy gunning for the pretty girl.

“Good morning, Ronnie,” Alexander greeted him on a Friday morning.

Aaron wrinkled his nose and held back a scowl. “Don’t call me that. Either ‘Aaron’ or ‘Burr’ will do.”

“What happened to getting on friendlier terms?”

“What happened to not flirting with the clients?” Aaron retorted.

Alexander looked embarrassed before ducking his head. “I thought you didn’t notice,” he muttered.

Aaron rolled his eyes. Another… quirk of Alexander. His habit of flirting with clients. Of course that was unprofessional but when did that stop Alexander?

It was a slow day for them. Aaron had an insurance fraud to deal with while Alexander handled a divorce case. The work was rather simple and they found themselves tucked away in Aaron’s- or now their office. Aaron enjoyed the peace of the moment, having nothing but the sound of quills scratching on paper fill the air. Alexander, however, couldn’t handle the silence.

“Hey, Aaron,” Alexander said, interrupting his peace. “Can you be honest with me?”

Aaron paused his writing and looked up. “Of course.”

“Everyone seems to say I’ve got a knack for writing,” Alexander started off, “and, well, my friends say I can do something with it other than office paperwork.”

“Are these the same friends who encouraged you to streak through the city?”

“We were drunk,” Alexander explains, a light red colour covering his cheeks in embarrassment. “And, yeah, they’re the same friends, so? It’s not like you got any to compare.”

Aaron’s eyes darted away for a moment. Low blow, but horribly true. Aaron had never been the type to make friends. Aaron often found himself alone through his days besides Alexander, and he didn’t really count. It wasn’t like he never had any. There had been a time were Aaron did have a group of close-knit friends, much like Alexander’s, who did stupid shit. When he had been young, bolder. His friends consisted of three men: Jonathan Bellamy, Matthias Ogden, and Charles Lee. Each man were so different in ways that it was puzzling they had been friends.

Charles Lee and Matthias had both been Generals in the Army before they were discharged. Despite having the same station, the two had different reasons for leaving and very different personalities. Charles Lee had caught a bullet in the side during a major battle. The injury lead to his discharge and a limp for which he needed a cane to manage the pain. The former General didn’t take it well. Often grumbling and complaining, he’d mumble under his breath here and there that he shouldn’t be having tea, but on a horse going into battle with his men. When Charles was in a good mood, which was rare, he told captivating stories about combat and funny incidents between himself and the troops.

Matthias was a calm man and had a brighter attitude about leaving the army. Unlike Charles, Matthias didn’t get discharged because of a wound. He’d been discharged because of his “unsuitable” state of mind. Aaron pitied the poor man. Though Matthias joked and laughed, his own thoughts stirred up trouble for him. Aaron could see how the war affected the discharged General. When he thought no one was looking, Matthias’ smile dropped and a great sense of grief hung over his head. What caused his “unsuitability” was witnessing his troops getting slaughtered and tortured before him. The grief and the guilt ate him up inside, plaguing his mind at night and chewed away at any sense of happiness he had.

Then there was Jonathan Bellamy, perhaps Aaron’s closet and longest friend. Unlike the others, Bellamy wasn’t in the military. In fact, he was quite peaceful and nonviolent. He studied theology at Princeton. Aaron had a tendency of separating himself from religion; ecispelly Christianity and Catholicism. His Uncle Timothy and grandfather had tainted every image of God in his head permanently. However, Bellamy was something else. While Aaron refused to step into a church, he enjoyed listening to Bellamy practice his sermons. Bellamy had always had his back, being there for Aaron through thick and thin.

Even though the three men were all very different they still somehow all got along swimmingly. Matthias managed to cheer Charles up and Bellamy kept Matthias from doing anything stupid. They balanced each other perfectly and Aaron wouldn’t have asked for a different group of friends.

None of them wanted their friendship end, but life wasn’t fair and Aaron found himself alone.

Bellamy went from being active on his feet to bedridden with an illness. He was often unconscious, and when he was awake he was vomiting. The poor man’s complexion turned pale and he sweated buckets even when they took away all his blankets in an attempt to cool him off. Somehow, though, Bellamy still smiled and remained positive. He often spoke like he wasn’t dying, like tomorrow his sickness would disappear and he’d be doing his Sunday sermons again. Aaron, Charles, and Matthias were right there by Bellamy’s side when he died. Bellamy’s death had been the trigger that lead to the end of everything. Charles became moodier and snapped more frequently. Aaron and Matthias had tried their best to stay with Charles, to be there for him during those trying times, but the yelling and swearing grew to be too much. One day Charles Lee was there, then the next he was gone. Aaron attempted to stay in touch and write to his old friend but Charles never replied. Matthias… Matthias, the poor man, had been pushed over his edge. Losing two friends took a toll, instead of seeking professionals to help himself, Matthias turned to alcohol as a remedy. Aaron tried to pull his friend together, motivate him to quit while he was ahead. Matthias had smiled and said “tomorrow, little Ronnie, I’ll get better tomorrow”. Aaron didn’t know what else to do but hope he was speaking the truth.

It was actually just a week before Aaron and Theodosia’s wedding when Matthias was found dead in his home. Either the alcohol or the noose killed him, it was anybody’s guess.

Theodosia had been sympathetic to Aaron and put a halt on the wedding. She had met them and got along with each one. Matthias always got her on board for a prank. She and Bellamy debated peacefully about religion. Even when Charles was in a sour mood Theodosia could crack a smile from him. Aaron had been frightened the first time introducing his friends to her. What if they didn’t get along? Would he have to end three friendships or one relationship? Luckily for him, Aaron didn’t need to make that decision. The three warmed up to her immediately and Matthias had a partner in crime. When Bellamy and Matthias died, Theo had been shook. They grieved their lost friends, and when they were finally wed they drank a glass for their lost lives.

Aaron scowled and looked back down to his work, quill gripped tightly. “That’s not something you can comment on. As far as I’m concerned, our relationship corresponds to our work and is nothing outside that door.”

An uneasy silence fell upon the two, Aaron tried to ignore the guilt of his distance and focused more on his work. Despite his hyper focus on work, scratching the quill against paper and looking through his notes and evidence, Aaron could feel Alexander watching him. Aaron packed up when five o’clock arrived and the two left the office. Aaron locked up like always and went to go home but Alexander grabbed his arm. Confused, Aaron gave him a puzzled look.

“I usually go to drink with my friends after work,” Alexander began.

“That explains all the misadventures,” Aaron shot back.

Alexander shrugged and grinned, not denying it. “I was wondering if you’d like to join us. My friends have been wanting to meet you for a while.”

“Um, I’m not sure. I was planning on shaving my hair off…”

“What? No!” Alexander chuckled. “C’mon, have a drink with us, you could use some alcohol to unwind.”

“I’m not a fan of alcohol,” Aaron said, grasping at straws to get away.

“Well then, you can just chit chat, get those emotions out,” Alexander continued to beg. “You’ll have fun, I promise. My friends are great!”

Aaron sighed and relaxed his shoulders. “Alright, I’ll stay for a moment.”

Alexander grinned and grabbed Aaron’s hand, much to his distaste, and dragged him through the city. Aaron stumbled a little, tripping on a crack, and was shoved by other people going home to their families. Aaron almost yelled at Alexander to slow down but he didn’t know if Alexander would hear him or even listen to him. Thankfully, Alexander finally stopped in front of a pub. With a quick glance over, Aaron knew this was a bad idea; the pub looked like it attracted the wrong type. Alexander pulled him in, despite his obvious disgust, and walked to a group of three men sitting and drinking around a table.

The first to catch Aaron’s eye was the tallest of the three. He had his dark brown hair tied into a bun and trimmed bread. His skin was of a cinnamon colour. He dressed in a royal blue over coat with gold accents. Under the coat was a peach cream shirt that was unbuttoned to show off his chest. To this man’s right was the smallest of the three. The man had tanned skin decorated in freckles. Unlike the first he had a clean shave but he had longer hair. He tied back the long and curly hair into a low ponytail. His hair rested on the deep green coat with only the bottom buttons done, and the outfit was finished with a cravat. The final man Aaron looked at was the bulkiest of the three. He had dark brown skin, darker than his own. He had black hair that curled around his face, the black hair went down as sideburns as well as a tuft of hair on his chin. Out of the three, he wore the most non-eye popping colours. His choice of clothing was a brown overcoat over a white shirt. The three men were laughing, drinks in hand, and talking amongst themselves.

For a second, Aaron didn’t see three strangers and instead saw his old friends.

He blinked and the fond image of his past vanished. The tired feeling in his chest grew into a heavy and uneasy feeling. While he did want to go home, Aaron also knew Alexander wasn’t going to let him leave now. Alexander pulled his numb body over to the group. The three stopping whatever they were doing and staring at the new comer; him.

“Guys, you remember the guy I’ve been telling you about?” Alexander started with.

The tallest quirked his eyebrow, his almost black eyes darted to Aaron before focusing on Alexander again. “How can we not?”

A heavy French accent almost made Aaron blink. It sounded real, unlike the fake accent a student he attended school with tried to pass off as French.

“Shut up,” Alexander muttered, his face turning a dark red. Aaron was a little puzzled by his behavior and reaction, but he brushed it off.

“So this is Aaron Burr?” The bulkier man spoke up. “Nice to finally put a face to the name.”

“Alexander’s been talking about me I assume,” Aaron said, giving Alexander a look.

“He’s been doing more than talk about you, if you catch my drift,” the man wiggled his eyebrows.  “My name is Hercules Mulligan.”

The man in the green coat waved his hand. “John Laurens.”

The French man finished his drink and cleared his throat. “Je m'appelle Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette. Though most call me either Lafayette or Laf.”

“Well, now we got the names out of the way, come sit with us Aaron,” Alexander invited him, taking a seat himself.

He decided against an excuse and sat in between Alexander and Hercules. Almost immediately he was hit with a wave of questions. From one man to the next Aaron was asked questions that ranged from where he lived to what’s the weirdest sex position he’d done. Aaron knew that these four clicked well together, all loud and invasive, with little self-control. Regret buried deep in Aaron as he knew this wasn’t going to be an easy night. He answered the questions with little care and gave almost no real information. He could tell by the irritation on Laurens’ face that he didn’t like the short answers, but Aaron didn’t want or have to answer to these people. Thankfully, Hercules backed off and went to drinking and joking again, however Lafayette and Laurens looked to be in a sour mood. As time passed, Aaron felt the uneasy feeling in his stomach grow. While Alexander and Hercules tried to engage him in conversation, Aaron could see Lafayette and Laurens glare at him over their drinks.

When their round of drinks were done, Aaron took it as his exit. He stood up and gave a polite smile. “Well, I’m afraid I have to go, I’ve got a court date tomorrow and I’d like to have a good night's sleep.”

Alexander’s smile dropped and he stood up abruptly. “What?! No, stay, please! Just for another round?”

“Sorry, Alexander, I’m going home,” Aaron said firmly. “Thank you for inviting me.”

“Can I walk you home then?” Alexander asked.

Aaron’s smile turned into a line. He didn’t want that, he wanted to be alone with peace and quiet. But Aaron could feel the French man and freckled man’s glare burning into him. While Aaron wouldn’t care if strangers liked him, Aaron had a feeling he’d be seeing them more than he’d like. He would rather try to set good terms with them rather than have this treatment continue. Alexander and him said goodbye before going out. The darkening sky and cool air felt good, it was refreshing from the crowded and warm pub. Without talking, Aaron started walking home; aware of Alexander following him.

The tensions in his chest and shoulders melted as he walked at a slow pace. He missed these kinds of walks, one’s were he didn’t talk or didn’t have to rush. He felt at peace with himself. A stab of emotions hit him as he remembered the night walks he shared with Theodosia. He’d be working late and then she’d come in and drag him outside. They never needed to talk to feel complete. She would hold his hand, and Aaron would rest his head against her shoulder. And just like that, their world was at peace. No worries of tomorrow. He tried to walk on his own, but the overwhelming feeling of loneliness sent him home early. Aaron relaxed a breath he had been subconsciously holding. Forgetting himself, Aaron touched the small pouch he wore. He snapped out of his little trance as he saw Alexander staring at him from the corner of his eye. Aaron let his hand drop and straightened his posture; putting the walls back up.

“I’ve been wondering,” Alexander spoke, breaking the silence, “what’s with the pouch?”

“Why do you ask?”

Alexander shrugged. “Curious.”

Aaron bit his tongue, debating with himself if he should tell Alexander. There was no doubt Alexander would tell his friends, but something inside him wanted to finally talk about it.

Aaron looked to Alexander with a straight face. “You won’t tell anyone else?”

“Cross my heart and hope to die,” Alexander retorted with a playful grin.

“I’m a widow,” Aaron bluntly explained. “Before my late wife was buried I took a lock of her hair and wedding ring. I keep them in this pouch to… keep in touch with her.”

The playful grin washed away and a look of pity overridden Alexander’s face. “Shit- I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to open that can of worms…”

“It’s fine. I’m… it’s kind of nice to tell someone about it.”

“So… how long has it been?”

Aaron took a deep breath. “I don’t want to go into any more detail.”

“Are you sure? I’m here if you-”

“No.”

His tone might’ve been harsh but the message got across to Alexander. Their walk was quiet but unlike before Aaron felt a heavy weight to it. Aaron focused on the leaves on the trees instead of how far they were from his home. The green leaves would return after a barren winter, his first winter without Theodosia. He wondered what he’d do this year instead of spending it with his overactive wife. There would be no joy this year, no decorations in his home. Aaron watched as leaves fell from the wind, making room for the snow fall to rest upon the branches. Normally, every year Aaron hoped Theodosia wouldn’t try a new recipe she thought she could do. Like the time she attempted to make a pie. It was practically charcoal when she took it out.

This year, Aaron just hoped he could handle the next punch.


	3. Thorns on a Rose

A week after the first snowfall Alexander resigned his position as Aaron’s partner. When Alexander left, Aaron felt a little relieved but the empty feeling in his office outweighed the relief. He felt a sense of loss washed over him whenever he saw the empty space. It was a familiar sight since he moved from his and Theodosia’s home. The last few days before he moved out, Aaron tried his hardest to stay out of the house. The empty rooms, the missing furniture, and lack of feelings… Aaron was already coping with Theodosia’s death, he didn’t need Alexander’s absence adding to that as well. He coped with his feelings by distracting himself. To rid his office of the empty space, Aaron moved a bookshelf to fill it in. He removed any ink stains left by Alexander and buffed out the scratches his chair made. When Aaron’s touch up was done it was almost like Alexander had never worked here.

Almost. The one thing Aaron couldn’t get rid of was the hanging silence that Alexander had once filled. Aaron tried to readjust to the quiet room, but five days later Aaron caved and bought a music box. Life continued, whether or not Aaron was ready; he had bills to pay and clients who needed his service. Aaron’s work was almost the same without Alexander, a little less business but nothing that shook him financially. Aaron believed he would be seeing less of Alexander now that he was starting up his own newspaper.

Once Alexander scraped up enough money from odd jobs and his partnership with Aaron he purchased an office large enough to support workers. Aaron, and Alexander’s friends, had been awfully proud of Alexander. They could all tell it was the right job for Alexander. He was a gifted writer and had a knack for being at the right time and place. When the first paper was published Alexander threw a party in his office. Aaron had never been excited for parties, he didn’t really like the alcohol or the close, crowded space. It’s not like Aaron was invited to that many parties either. The only parties he attended where small, private ones like the ones his uncle pulled together and forced him to attend. However, Aaron knew this was a big moment for Alexander so he even picked up a gift before heading to the party.

The newsroom was set up nicely. Four small desks were arranged in the room. They were all were pushed up against the wall where boards hung right above, little bits and pieces of paper pinned on for next day’s story. The walls were painted a calming blue with a silver leaf patterns seeming to grow from the floor to the ceiling. While there weren’t any windows, there were enough candles to give the room not only light, but an enchanting look as well. Aaron smiled to himself, a sense of pride shooting through him as he looked around. He was happy for Alexander’s success. He was glad that the man’s work paid off and he was doing something he loved. Aaron had seen people be forced to enter a trade they had no passion for. They’d seemed to rot away from the lack of passion just counting down the seconds before they could go home.

Aaron counted his stars that he didn’t end up like that. His uncle had wanted him to be like his father, a pastor of a church that spoke the word of the Lord until his last breath. The whole idea had made Aaron’s face sour. Despite having been raised around a church, Aaron wasn’t so sure he believed in God. He broke the link of pastors in his family and went into law instead. His uncle caused a fuss, damning Aaron and yelling how his grandfather and father were rolling in their graves. In the end Aaron was disowned. But he couldn’t give a damn. He knew he was happier with his work today than he would’ve been as a preacher. Aaron hoped Alexander was as happy with his success as Aaron was with his own.

Aaron arrived to the party with his gift and already recognized a few faces along with some new ones. He saw Lafayette with a woman, the two were sharing a cigar and laughing by one of the desk. John was talking with two other ladies, one in bright yellow and the other in a salmon pink dress. And then there was Alexander and Hercules talking with a man with his hair pulled back into a tight ponytail and braid going down the side of his face. Aaron had never been to a party like this, where everyone seemed to know everyone and fell into some kind of harmony. Suddenly, Aaron felt very out of place. Alexander’s eyes meet his. Aaron smiled and waved nervously. Aaron would’ve thought Alexander would walk up to him and greet him. He thought wrong.

“Aaron!” Alexander called out.

Aaron felt his face heat up as everyone stopped and stared at him. Under all the eyes, Aaron felt naked before a judge. He smiles; however, and plays along to Alexander’s outburst. Alexander rushed over to him and hugged him. Aaron chuckled nervously, using his free hand to pat Alexander’s back. Aaron pretended it was normal.

“I’m so glad you came!” Alexander said, finally releasing Aaron.

“How could I miss the party?” Aaron responded.

Alexander tugged Aaron over to the others, further from the door and Aaron’s escape route. “Come! I want you to meet my team! This is Mrs. Adrienne, Peggy and Angelica Schuyler, and John Andre.”

Mrs. Adrienne was the woman sharing the cigar with Lafayette. Aaron put two and two together, the rings on their fingers and no sense of personal space was a dead giveaway. Adrienne and Lafayette were married. Unlike her husband’s skin, Adrienne’s was a few shades darker. Her hair was unnaturally red, kept up in a bun with two locks framing her face. On her face were multiple piercings, one on her lip and nose and two in each eyebrow. She wore a blue dress that had flowers scattered across, but because she was a little shorter than average her dress pooled around her feet.

Aaron recognized Peggy and Angelica Schuyler, or at least their names. Eliza Schuyler had been Theodosia’s doctor and during that time she often made comments about her two sisters. Angelica was the women in the salmon dress, fashioned to look more formal than casual, and had a similar skin tone to his. Aaron could already see on her face that she was judging him. She had her hair tied back into a bun, letting Aaron see her green eyes narrow down on him. Peggy looked much sweeter. All her body features, face, arms, belly, etc., were chubby, but it just made her look young and lively. Her skin tone was lighter than Lafayette’s and her face was covered with a handful of freckles. She wore a yellow dress that looked casual, the color so bright and carefree. Andre was the man he had seen talking with Hercules and Alexander earlier. He wore a crimson red suit that somehow made his turquoise eyes pop even more. Unlike all of them, Andre didn’t look too bothered about Aaron’s presence.

Aaron remembered what his uncle told him and offered them an easy smile and kind look. “It’s a pleasure to meet all of you. Congratulations on your first paper!”

“Thank you!” Peggy said genuinely, smiling ear to ear. “I helped Andre illustrate the photos. Alex and Adrienne wrote the articles and Angie edited out all their mistakes.”

“Well, I wish the best of luck to all of you.”

“Thank you,” Angelica chimed in, giving him a non-malicious smile. Even though it lacked emotion, Aaron still took it and smiled back.

“What’d you bring?” Adrienne asked.

Aaron blinked before he remembered the gift. Aaron held up the bottle of wine for all to see. He wasn’t sure what to bring. He thought about buying Alexander a set of quills or maybe even some incense or something he could enjoy throughout the day. However, Aaron remembered there was more than just Alexander who put in effort in the paper. So he decided to play it safe and buy something for everyone to enjoy during the party. Thankfully everyone seemed to brighten up at the sight of booze.

“Woo!” Hercules cheered, grinning ear to ear. “Now that’s what we need to make this party right!”

John laughed. “Let everyone have a drink, Herc.”

“You think I’d drink it all?” Hercules said with a pretend wounded look.

“We don’t think,” Lafayette said between a drag of his cigar, “we know.”

Everyone, even Aaron, laughed as Hercules glared at his friend.

“C’mon, Aaron,” Alexander chuckled, grabbing Aaron’s free hand. “I have a corkscrew in my office.”

Aaron held back questioning on why Alexander kept a corkscrew in his office and just let him pull him to the door across the room. When Aaron stepped into Alexander’s office he nearly had a heart attack. When Alexander had worked with him, he had a tendency to leave things left about. But this… but the mess Aaron didn’t know what to look at first. A desk sat in the middle of the room, Aaron had no idea what kind for it was since every inch was covered in with paper and empty mugs. Aaron saw multiple quills strewn on top and a veil of ink sitting on a dangerous angle. The paper mess didn’t stop at the desk however. Almost like a water spill, papers laid all over the floor. Despite the moonlight shining through one of the only window, the room was pretty dark when Alexander closed the door.

“Sorry about the mess,” Alexander apologized, noticing Aaron’s stare.

“It’s… it honestly, it suits you,” Aaron joked.

Alexander huffed, ducking down to pick up the few loose papers on the ground and tossing them onto the desk. “Whatever. Put the wine on the desk, I’ll pop it open as soon as I find the corkscrew.”

“Should I be concerned you keep a corkscrew in your office?” Aaron asked, placing the wine on a lonely piece of wood that wasn’t being covered by paper.

“What? Like you’ve never needed to drink while working?” Alexander retorted, shifting through his desk drawer.

“Never needed to. Even if I did, I wouldn’t.”

“Ah, right. The ‘no drinking while working’ rule.”

“It’s not a rule so much as common sense.”

Alexander scoffed. “Whatever, pastor boy.” Alexander’s scowl vanished as he found what he was looking for. “Ah-ha! Found it!”

Aaron rolled his eyes and watched Alexander work away at the cork. With a pop, Alexander got it off. But much like the veil of ink, Alexander was holding the wine bottle at an unfavorable angle. When he popped it open the wine came rushing out all over the desk. Both Alexander and Aaron yelped at the overflowing wine. Alexander loudly crushed and quickly set the wine down and tried to save his papers. Aaron moved the wine bottle to avoid any more incidents.

“Do you have any towels?” Aaron asked, helping Alexander move the papers out of the way.

“No,” Alexander grunted. “Shit, sorry about the wine.”

“Its fine, I’m a little worried about your papers though.”

Alexander turned to grin at Aaron. “I think I have an idea to stop the wine.”

Without care, Alexander tossed the papers he saved to the floor. Aaron watched in confusion as Alexander got a stack of unused papers. Then to his shock and horror, Alexander dumped the papers onto the wine spill; using them as a makeshift towel.

“I… I guess that works…” Aaron muttered.

Alexander blinked before wincing. “Not my best idea, but heat of the moment I suppose.”

There was a moment of silence before Alexander picked the wine bottle back up. Aaron’s eyebrow quirked as Alexander seemed to examine the remaining wine in the bottle. He then hopped on a dry spot of the desk. Aaron just gave him a look of disbelief.

“Come sit with me,” Alexander invited, patting the spot beside him. “We’ll share what’s left.”

Aaron snorted. “What about the others?”

“If they really want a drink they can go down to the pub. Besides, we both know Herc would’ve drunken all of the wine himself. C’mon, Aaron, we’ll drink straight from the bottle and have our own little celebration.”

Aaron rolled his eyes but still cleared some papers off the desk and hopped on. Alexander smiled at him, something twinkling in his eye. He put the bottle to his mouth and swung it back for more than a sip. Alexander swallowed and offered the bottle to him. Aaron took it and, unlike his friend, he took a sip. The wine was bittersweet. It tasted similar to grapes and cranberries when it entered his mouth, but as the wine went down his throat a bitter flavor started burning his tongue. Deciding the wine wasn’t to his tastes, Aaron gave Alexander back the wine with a shake of his head.

“Knock yourself out,” Aaron said.

“Not your cup of tea?” Alexander teased, taking the wine and enjoying another swing.

Aaron shrugged. “Too bitter.”

“Hmm, maybe you can only handle things that are as sweet as you,” Alexander commented, throwing him a wink.

“You’ve already had too much.”

Alexander chuckled and took another drink. “You, sir, just don’t know how to take a compliment. But in all seriousness, I do have you to thank for this office and my news room, basically everything I’ve got. So, thanks Aaron for taking me in.”

Aaron smiled kindly, genuinely for the first time since he came. He felt himself relax in Alex’s presence. “You don’t need to thank me. I admit, I wasn’t too thrilled to meet you at first, but to see you now is… incredible. I’m really happy to see that you’ve flourish and I hope you’re happy with your success.”

“I am. I really am thankful for what I’ve got,” Alexander said. “Aaron?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m glad you came to the party.”

Aaron looked to Alexander to tell him it wasn’t an issue, but before Aaron knew what Alexander was doing he felt lips upon his own. Aaron’s breath caught in his chest and his eyes widened. When his senses caught up with what was happening Aaron was shocked and livid. Alexander was kissing him. Perhaps he shouldn’t be shocked, Alexander has flirted with him a couple of times while they worked, but Aaron had always believed it to be teasing or a joke. Clearly it wasn’t. Once the shock wore off, Aaron’s anger came through and gave him the strength to push Alexander off.

“What the hell?!” Aaron snapped, jumping off the desk. “What was that?”

“Shit, I just- I don’t know! You were there and I couldn’t help myself, and I just got caught up in my emotions and I just-”

“Just stop,” Aaron interrupted, his voice cold and stern. Alexander’s spew of words stopped and an uncomfortable silence hung above their heads. “I’m going to leave, I have work to do.”

“Aaron, please don’t go I swear I’ll give you space and-”

“No!” Aaron yelled this time. His voice seemed to bounce off the walls and echo around them.

There was a pause where neither of them did anything, Alexander started to look like he was thinking of something to say, but Aaron wouldn’t give him that chance. Aaron turned on his heels and stormed out of Alexander’s office and out the newsroom. He was well aware how quiet the party had become and could tell that everyone’s attention was towards the room he’d just left. Aaron kept his head down and mouth shut as he pushed past them and escaped onto the streets. Not even the night air seemed to calm his temper.

How on earth could Alexander do that! Aaron thought back over all their conversations, his own body language to find if there was any double meaning. Had he said or done something that proked Alexander’s actions? No! He hadn’t, everything he had done had been in a friendly manner. Perhaps Alexander was just attracted to him, but Aaron gave no permission or a sign he wanted to be kissed. When his anger shimmered down, and as he finally got to his office, Aaron began to feel pity for Alexander. While he had no right to take what wasn’t given, Aaron knew the man could only dream. Aaron sighed, sitting down at his desk and pulling the music box closer to him. He turned the little key and let the soft tunes fill the empty room. Aaron turned to work as a distraction. He took out a quill and began to work on a recently given case. All was well and the music box kept him company as he worked away his feelings. The night was peaceful and Aaron felt himself relax more and more as time passed and the party’s mishap slipped away.

When the music died Aaron heard a sharp knock at his door. He was confused about the late night visit, but Aaron didn’t turn it away. He was always willing to help, so he called out that the door was open. Aaron kept his head down, wanting to finishing writing his current sentence, as he heard the door open and a two sets of footsteps come in before it firmly shut. When he was done, he set his quill down and finally looked up. The peace he felt quickly drained out of him as he saw Lafayette and Laurens standing by the closed door.

Like Aaron had feared when he first meet them, he’d been forced to hang around them more often than he’d like. Despite their time spent together, Lafayette and Laurens never warmed up to him. They continued to pry and ask questions, or teased and made fun of him. Aaron didn’t appreciate it, nor did he like it. Aaron stood up and mentally prepared himself, building a wall for whatever they had in store.

“Lafayette, Laurens,” Aaron greeted them politely, if not a little cold, “how may I help you at this time of night?”

Lafayette spoke first. “What did you and Alexander speak of?”

“That’s our business alone, if Alexander wishes to share then that’s up to him,” Aaron replied.

“For Christ’s sake, can’t you just answer a damn question without sounding like a monk?” John snapped. “We want to know what you said to Alexander to make him so upset. That’s it. Not the answer to the universe.”

Aaron glared at Laurens. “We merely spoke about our past work relations and how happy we’re for Alexander’s success.”

“Something else happened,” Laurens said, his tone getting angrier, “congratulating each other doesn’t kill someone’s mood. We heard you yelling, what the fuck did you do to upset him?”

“Why are his feelings my fault? He’s the one who kissed me, with no permission or consent! You want the truth? Fine! The truth is Alexander has a crush on me and I didn’t return the same feelings! It’s not my fault, and it’s not my job to be in a relationship with him besides what I’m comfortable with.”

The air became thick and uneasy. The three men stood awkwardly in the room, tensions high and no one seemed willing to step down. They were all waiting for the other to make the first move. Aaron waited. He waited to see what would happen. He just hoped they would leave.

Lafayette went first. “Why?”

“Why what?” Aaron asked, growing tired of this conversation.

“Why do you not like him?” Lafayette clarified. “He’s attractive and smart, no?”

Aaron sighed. “Yes, he is, but there’s more to starting a relationship than looks and brains. I’m not emotionally available for a partner and I don’t want to put either of us in a spot where we’re both suffering.”

“Are you speaking about Theodosia?” John chimed in. “Hasn’t it been-”

“Woah, whoa, whoa!” Aaron interrupted, waving his hands. “How the hell do you know about Theodosia?”

“Alex told us,” John confessed. “He needed advice and explained to us what happened and what-”

“Alexander told you?! I swear to God, I give him one secret and he just…” Aaron didn’t even finish his sentence. He huffed in frustration. First, he had these assholes up his ass and now he finds out Alexander had no idea what a secret was. “Just get out, I don’t need this in my life right now.”

“You don’t need this?” John echoed. “Alexander’s been the one planning out how to court you and woo you! He’s been busting his balls to impress you! Yeah, your wife is dead, but you need move on. You have an excited young man who can make you happy begging you for a chance.”

“How the fuck do you know what will make me happy?! As far as this conversation goes, it’s all about Alexander getting what he wants. I’m sorry that I can’t make Alexander happy. The only way this will end is in tears.”

John looked as if he was ready to fight him, fists curled up tight and his lip pulled back into a snarl. He took a large step towards Aaron, but Lafayette put a hand on his shoulder, making him stop. The two looked at each other before John huffed and stormed out of his office. Once the office door slammed closed, Lafayette looked back at Aaron.

“I’m not engaging myself in a relationship with Alexander,” Aaron firmly stated before the man could speak.

“Why not?” Lafayette asked. “What have you got to lose?”

“My happiness.”

“What about Alexander’s happiness?”

“Are you telling me to throw away my happiness to keep Alexander happy?”

“Why not?” Lafayette said in an all too serious tone. “You don’t seem to be interested in anyone else and you admit Alexander isn’t the worst person in the world. You’ve clearly put yourself in a place where you don’t want love, but why stunt Alexander’s love? You’d rather be selfless and break his heart?”

Aaron opened and closed and his mouth. His anger was gone and in its place was guilt. He tried to fight it but it kept building up. If what Lafayette and John said were true, then Alexander really did like him in more than a friendly sense. Aaron wondered if it was wise to feed that fire. Sure, he could be warmed, but he could also be burned and consumed. Alexander and Theodosia were two very different people. Theodosia was an older women who took life in as it came, like a gentle river carrying a paper boat. Alexander was a young man who took what he could. He was like a forest fire, consuming whatever he came in contact with and leaving nothing behind. While the idea of a forest fire could be exciting, Aaron found it terrifying. But. There was a “but”. What if Alexander wasn’t a forest fire? What if he was a bonfire? Intimidating but gentle. Aaron felt confused and hurt. This is why he didn’t want a relationship. Everything came back to Theodosia. She was his one true flame, his light that guided and warmed him. Everyone else seemed so dangerous in comparison.

“Will you at least give Alexander a chance?” Lafayette asked. “Let him court you.”

Aaron said nothing. Lafayette left, closing the door gently. Aaron was left alone with his racing thoughts.

His mind was a mess. While there was some part of him that wished for happiness, there was a part that knew he wouldn’t find it with Alexander. He just didn’t like him like that! There was nothing else Aaron could do to change that. He should let Alexander move on and find someone else. But Aaron also didn’t want to hurt Alexander. Things had just starting going his way, and while it wasn’t up to Aaron to make him happy, he now felt terrible. Lafayette and John’s words were stuck in his mind, fueling his guilt more and more. Aaron groaned to himself and decided to go home and sleep.

He tried his best, but he only tossed and turned as the night sky faded away. In the morning, he felt like shit. The lack of sleep and the feeling of dread over his head made him feel horrible mentally and physically. However, life went on. Aaron dressed and walked to his office, ready to face the day when he saw something familiar.

Standing outside his office was Alexander. Just like when they first meet, or the countless times when Alexander beat him to his office in the early mornings when they worked together. Aaron wondered how many times Alexander waited for him, not to get in and start working but to see him. Feelings were fatal and Aaron was sure his guilt was going to kill him.

Aaron took a deep breath and walked up to Alexander. The man looked worse for wear. His skin was a paler shade than it usually was. There were bags under his eyes, and he was wearing the same clothes as yesterday; though they were slightly more disheveled. Alexander just looked like a mess, and that’s when Aaron realized the full extent his situation.

“Good morning, Alexander,” Aaron greeted. He used a sweet voice and added a smile.

“Good to see you again, Aaron,” Alexander replied, his voice softer than usual. “Can we go for a walk? I have something to discuss with you.”

Aaron looked to his office door then to Alexander. “Alright, I suppose I have time to spare.”

“Thank you,” Alexander said.

To Aaron’s dismay, Alexander took Aaron’s hand before leading him away from the office. Unlike the day Aaron meet Alexander’s friends, Alexander walked at a reasonable pace. He continuously glanced over his shoulder to see if Aaron was still there. He took Aaron to the park. It was beautiful and Aaron couldn’t help but appreciate the care and time it took to create such an amazing array of flowers. Aaron brushed his fingers against one rose petal. He looked back at Alexander and felt a rush of cold water wash over him. Alexander was looking at him the way Theodosia had. The way he stared at Aaron, as if he was the center of everything. Aaron felt his heart twist inside his chest at the cruelness of it all.

“What did you want to speak about?” Aaron asked, removing his hand from Alexander’s.

“I know what I did last night was wrong and I wanted to apologize for that,” Alexander began. “I feel so freaking dumb, and so stupid. I’m sorry I didn’t ask you if it would be okay.”

“I forgive you, Alexander. Just please don’t do that to me or anyone else again.”

“Deal,” Alexander said, smiling a little. His smile went soft as he looked at the rose Aaron had touched. Alexander reached behind Aaron and grabbed it, he struggled with the thorns and steam but he managed to pluck it off. He looked at the rose for a moment before gently tucking it behind Aaron’s ear. “You’re so fucking beautiful. Not just appearance wise, but you’re smart and you’re kind and whenever I look at you I think I’m looking at is a star. Last night, when I kissed you, I became over excited because I was finally going to ask you if… if I could court you.”

There it was.

Aaron realized he would never find someone else if he kept thinking of Theodosia. It’s true, she was his only light, but that didn’t mean Aaron couldn’t be someone else’s light. Here Alexander was, asking to be with him. Aaron knew what he wanted. He wanted to say no and wait. But what about what Alexander wanted? During their time together, Aaron learned about Alexander’s family, how his father abandoned him and his mother died right beside him. Aaron knew it wasn’t his fault or his responsibility, but he couldn’t help but feel obligated to give Alexander comfort in any way he could. Besides, who else did Aaron really have? If he lost Alexander, he knew he would lose a friend to talk to. He hadn’t realized it till Alexander came, but Aaron had been miserably alone. Aaron used to believe that he would have Theodosia for the rest his life, but look how that turned out. Aaron did have something to lose if he said no.

So, Aaron smiled widely, looked Alexander in the eyes and said “I’d love that, Alexander,” trying to mean every word even as his heart protested.

Aaron knew this was the closest thing he’d get to a rebound. At least Alexander would be happy.


	4. The Lion in the Bedroom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for abuse and rape

Aaron hadn’t courted Theodosia before they were married. Maybe they had and Aaron just didn’t know it. Whatever the case, Aaron wasn’t sure what to expect when he accepted Alexander’s courtship. Turns out it involved a lot lying, or at least on Aaron’s behalf. Alexander was making an effort to woo him. He took Aaron out and bought him flowers, even waxed poetry about him. While the gestures were all very touching, Aaron couldn’t find himself able to put his heart into Alexander. Aaron knew he shouldn’t feed into it, but Lafayette and Laurens’ words hung around his heart like a noose. They spoke the truth, Alexander was smitten with him. It was clear from the way Alexander spoke to him, to the way he looked at him. Aaron thought it had been a ‘heat of the moment’ kind of thing, as were most of Alexander’s flings and one night stands. But Aaron could feel that this was genuine. Which just made him feel so much worse.

While Alexander did court him for five months, Aaron felt them slip through his fingers like sand. Originally, Alexander wanted to get married two weeks into their courtship. Aaron, of course, turned down that proposal and said he wanted more time. Alexander wasn’t happy but he continued to court Aaron. Aaron had hoped it would give Alexander the time to grow bored and seek different company. Much to his discomfort, the public loved them together; believing the lawyer and the news reporter was a cute couple.

Alexander’s newspaper skyrocketed for its debate articles and opinions. People seemed to love how passionate Alexander wrote, how he could either raise someone or tear them apart. Aaron watched from the side as people busted about his writing. His popularity affected the way he treated Aaron. Alexander began treating him like a trophy. He pulled Aaron into social parties and boosted on what a smart and beautiful lawyer he bagged, even though they were only courting. Of course, people talk and tease. When Aaron was alone, awkward and uncomfortable, people would ask him how he tamed the tomcat. Aaron would laugh and shrug. He hated it when people teased. It only reminded him how deep he was in.

He twisted his wedding ring around his finger, staring off at the wall as he waited for Alexander to return with whatever surprise. Aaron was tired. He fought off sleep with counting the cracks in the walls. The day had been much more eventful than his first wedding. While Theodosia and he eloped in a small church, Alexander had thrown a wedding. Aaron didn’t mind the ceremony, it was the after party that got to him. There had just been so many people, all laughing and yelling, constantly chatting and asking for them to kiss. Aaron hadn’t liked that attention, and his new husband didn’t give him a break from it all. Even if he had, Aaron already knew that Lafayette or Laurens would drag him back into the center of the party. They were the ones who talked Alexander into marrying Aaron. Aaron hated both of them with a passion. But as he slipped his ring off and on his finger, Aaron knew there was no one else to blame for this mess but himself. He should’ve said no, should’ve stopped before it escalated further, but he didn’t even see that option until it was much too late.

Now he was stuck in a loveless marriage, much like Theodosia had been before they meet.

The door to their shared bedroom opened and his new husband came rushing in. Alexander had a huge grin spread across his face as he practically jumped on the bed. Aaron suppressed a sigh and sat up to look at what Alexander went off to get that they apparently didn’t have. He looked at Alexander’s hands to see a bottle of virgin oil in his grasp.

“I couldn’t find any in the kitchen so I went out and bought it at the nearest store,” Alexander explained, scooching closer to Aaron. “Do you have any preferences to how this goes?”

Aaron attempted to swallow his heart down, taking deep breaths in order to calm his rising fear. “I… I’ve never really topped before and I’ve never been with a man, I’m not really sure what to do.”

Alexander’s eyes seemed to light up at the words and Aaron quickly found himself being kissed hard. Unlike the first time, Aaron indulged in Alexander’s act of passion. He found things went smoother if he simply compiled with what Alexander wanted. In all honesty, Aaron lost his fight, his passion during the months Alexander courted him. If he refused, or if he said “no” it somehow escalated into a fight. At first, Aaron stood his ground, he didn’t let Alexander have this way with him. But all the yelling, all the back and forth arguing, drained Aaron. Alexander always went to his friends to complain after. They would seek him out, picking him apart and criticizing his choices. One time Aaron wasn’t so lucky and only John came to confront him. For a week, Aaron had a split lip. It may seem stupid or make him look like a doormat but Aaron learned it was easier to let Alexander have his way.

Their wedding night didn’t make him feel happy, or thankful, or fine in general. Aaron felt used and dirty. Alexander stripped him down and used his fingers to map out Aaron’s body. As Alexander’s fingers wondered to various regions, Aaron felt his panic grow. His throat tightened and his skin felt as if it were on fire. He wanted Alexander to stop. He wanted to tell Alexander to keep those dirty lips to himself, but any protest died in his throat as he remembered this would go faster if he just let Alexander do what he wanted. So Aaron just laid back and let Alexander’s words and touches wash over him. It hurt, Aaron felt a burning sting come from his rear end. Tears whelmed in his eyes as Alexander’s moaning and slurred speech echoed in his ears. Aaron bit down on his lips to keep from sobbing as he felt a rush of warmth enter him. Once Alexander was spent, he laid down and spooned Aaron.

Whilst Alexander slept peacefully beside him, Aaron silently cried as his body ached in ways that made him want to throw up. His head hurt from the way Alexander had been pulling on his hair causing a headache to form. Aaron felt disgusting. He could still feel Alexander’s hands, those filthy hands, touching his body and leaving imprints on him. Aaron carefully crawled away from Alexander’s grasp and stood up from the bed. The sudden feeling of vulnerability washed over him as if Alexander was a lion waiting to pounce him. But then again, hadn’t he already? The lion that rested now has left its prey, but it didn’t mean Aaron was in the clear. He was weak. His forces and defenses torn down and now he was left exposed. Aaron dressed in his briefs and undershirt before leaving the lion, not wanting to spend another second in there. He walked quietly, minding each creak. Aaron sat on the couch and felt a sharp stab up into him. As the burn pulsed, Aaron felt a fresh batch of tears pour down his face.

Morning came as the sun raised, the yellow and orange light rushed through the windows and brightened the home. Aaron stared out a window, not minding the harsh light hitting his eyes. His feet hurt from the cold floors and he’d been standing for so long. It hurt too much to sit. The pain forced him to abandon his seat on the couch and take a place by the window. He stared at the horizon, his eyes glancing over the homes similar to Alexander’s. Aaron could maybe see his old home if he pretended hard enough. Aaron saw his new husband walk towards him through the reflection of the window. Putting the walls back up again, Aaron turned around with a smile.

“Good morning,” Aaron greeted.

Alexander smiled back and gave Aaron a hug. “Morning, darling.” He yawned and pulled out of the hug, looking at Aaron with a questioning look. “Why are you up so early?”

“Just wanted to see the sunrise,” Aaron lied.

“That’s sweet,” Alexander muttered. “Do you want to go back to bed?”

“No,” Aaron said, perhaps too quickly. He didn’t want to give Alexander a chance to pounce on him again. “I’m going to watch the sun a little longer. I think I’ll make some breakfast later, do you want anything?”

“Besides you? Nothing comes to mind besides french toast, please and thank you.”

“Alright, try to get some more sleep.”

“Thanks, love,” Alexander said.

He gave Aaron a quick kiss before going back to bed. When Aaron could no longer see him, he dropped his act and wiped his mouth. He couldn’t help it. It all felt wrong. Aaron tried and tried to search for feelings, maybe throw himself into love. But that chance was thrown out the window after last night. Aaron couldn’t force those feelings upon himself. He tried to distract himself by cooking. It failed miserably. Alexander didn’t keep his office nor his kitchen tidy, the kitchen felt like a maze to him. He had no idea where to look, Aaron found himself lost just looking for the forks. Aaron scrambled around, opening and closing drawers and cabinets, looking for a pan or a bowl. It just made him feel even more hopeless, he couldn’t love Alexander and he couldn’t even find the stupid pan.

A flood of overwhelming hopelessness washed over Aaron. To keep quiet, Aaron put a hand over his mouth as a sob bubbled up. The emotions inside of him all boiled up to the surface finally and was spilling over.

Alexander’s love for work cut their honeymoon short. Not that Aaron was complaining. Aaron returned to his work after neglecting it for so long. Of course, his business suffered from his… break. He hadn’t been able to focus on work lately; what with Alexander and his emotions. His reputation suffered and Aaron needed to give up his office. He cleaned out his workplace, moving books and papers and all his practice home. He took almost everything. The one thing he left behind was the rose he kept when Alexander asked to court him. He didn’t want a reminder of his downfall when he lived with him. Aaron moved his work home and thankfully he did have some people still coming to him, though it was because of Alexander’s papers. His husband’s business boomed. While a part of him was proud and happy for Alexander, Aaron felt like crap that his law practice existed because of Alexander. Then it donned upon Aaron, his life work wasn’t in his hands anymore. His “darling” husband had an influence over his work. If he wanted to ruin his work, he’d just have to print it out in the paper. So, Aaron smiled and kept silent and pretended to be happy with whatever their marriage was. Thankfully, Alexander couldn’t see any cracks in him.

Aaron tisked as he burnt the bottom of the pot. Though Alexander hired maids and servants to take care of such things, Aaron still made meals. He liked having some control in Alexander’s home. Plus, the servants were pleasant company. The house wasn’t large but it certainly was bigger than his previous house, and bigger than his home with Theodosia; definitely colder. The walls felt like cages, but the outside felt like a stage. Aaron felt so pressured in this new life, with his husband. The one place he had a break, his little “dressing room” if you will, was his office. At least in there, he had what he built.

“I told you should’ve taken it off the stove ten minutes ago,” Ms. Scarlet, the head maid, scolded him with a teasing grin.

Aaron rolled his eyes. “Oh hush, you old lady.”

“Old!” She exclaimed. Aaron snickered but his wisecrack bit him back. Ms. Scarlet pinched his cheek and tugged. “I’ll have you know I am not ‘aged’, I am experienced!”

“Ow! Ow! Okay! I’m sorry!” Aaron cried out, batting her hand away.

Ms. Scarlet complied to his pleads and let go of his check, though she was smirking. Aaron rubbed his cheek and stuck his tongue out at her when her back was turned. Though his cheek hurt, Aaron still smiled from their little banter. The older woman was a delight to have around. She was both enlightening and terrifying; depended on the staff’s actions and day. Aaron turned back to his cooking as Ms. Scarlet prepared the dessert. Aaron poured the pasta into a serving bowl. He then put in the tomato sauce he prepared earlier and carefully mixed the sauce with the pasta. While his life was coming down around him, at least he could control what he made with his two hands. Aaron tried a noodle and smiled contently at his successful dish. He began to add a few more spices when a young maid, Skye, came in. Her face consisting of dread.

“Alexander is home,” She informed. “And he’s a little… drunk.”

“Again?” Ms. Scarlet groaned, her wrinkles creased as she scowled.

It wasn’t that Alexander didn’t get along with his staff. In fact, Alexander loved to stop them in the middle of their jobs to speak to them and chat about how everything was. As nice as he could be when he was sober, Alexander became a wreck when he had too much to drink. His entire persona melted into an irritated man with no patience and a short fuse. Any restraint or self-control Alexander possessed was washed all down with alcohol and built up with stress. Aaron sighed and wiped his hands of any sauce. He didn’t want the staff to handle Alexander’s… fragile state.

“It’s alright, Skye,” Aaron said, cutting the silence. “Tell the staff they have the night off, I’ll handle Alexander.”

Skye flashed him a grateful smile before running off to warn the others of Hamilton.

“Are you sure you don’t need any help, sir?” Ms. Scarlet half asked and half accused. She’s witnessed how difficult Hamilton could be when drunk.

“Please don’t call me ‘sir’. And I’ll be alright, he’s only a jackass. Alexander isn’t violent.”

“Not yet,” she warned. “Believe me, it’s a fast slope. Don’t give him the idea that he can do whatever he wishes with you.”

Aaron stayed silent, avoiding any eye contact.

“Be safe, Aaron,” Ms. Scarlet advised. She gave him a sad look then cleaned herself up and left through the kitchen door.

Aaron sighed and felt his heart grow heavy. He didn’t want her to leave him alone. She made this home feel comfortable; safe. Aaron knew he spent far too much time indoors, only doing paperwork for people who didn’t understand law, and he didn’t find any joy in walking around town or the park anymore. Jenna Scarlet was a very brave woman, and Aaron was damn lucky that she could put up with a drunk Alexander. Aaron knew she did at times, especially after parties, but she never fleed. Jenna could find a better job elsewhere, a home where the head of the house wasn’t usually drunk and didn’t snap. Aaron was grateful she was a tough old bird; though he never said those exact words to her. However, she couldn’t take care of everything for him. Aaron needed to handle his own husband. He took a deep breath in, then out. He exited the kitchen and walked a moderate pace to the entrance of the house. Aaron tisked as he saw Alexander’s shoes and coat strewn about, he sighed and tidied it up before going back to finding Hamilton. The trail of clothing made it easy. Aaron picked up each article of clothing that lead to the master bedroom.

Aaron had quickly learned to hate the bedroom. It was a mess of papers, clothing, and anything else Hamilton could drag in. It was oddly put together, Alexander must’ve been the one who did the decorating because nothing seemed to match at all. The wallpaper was a stripped green pattern, the floors a wooden chestnut brown, none of which went along with the yellow curtains or red themed bed. The yellow curtains were dull, like a mustard colour, that didn’t match the vibrant red blankets and pillows. Aaron never said anything about it, because it wasn’t the room’s appearance that made him hate it so much, it was what has happened in this room. A lot can happen behind closed doors.

Not wanting those memories to resurface, Aaron pushed them deep down and walked through the open doorway. As he suspected, Hamilton was in the room. Drunk. After some time Aaron began reading the signs of a hurricane. Alexander always went to work or meetings with neat hair and a well-pressed suit. If he came back looking similarly he wasn’t drunk. But when he returned a mess, well, Aaron could only hope Alexander would go out like a light. Like his usual drunk self, Alexander’s hair and remaining clothing were a ruffled mess, and he was swaying as he tried to stay up. Hamilton must’ve heard him because he spun around, nearly falling down.

“Ronnie!” He hollered.

Aaron sighed, irritated that Hamilton still couldn’t respect his one wish to not be called that stupid nickname. “Alexander, I’ve told you a million times not to call me that.”

Alexander pouted like a child. “You never let me have any fun.”

He stumbled over to the bed and collapsed. Aaron almost thought he had passed out as he does on lucky days, but then Alexander rolled over. Of course, he wasn’t going to be that lucky. Aaron just tried to ignore him and put away the clothing in his arms and tidied whatever the mess Alexander had already created. He tossed the clothes in the hamper and put away Alexander’s shoes along with his papers. All the while he could feel Alexander’s eyes on him. Deciding to buy into what Alexander was doing, Aaron turned to look at his husband.

“What?” Aaron asked, one eyebrow raised.

“You look hot in those pants,” Alexander said, not hiding his grin and the glance down.

It’s been almost a year since they got married. Almost a damn year. Through all the months together, Aaron didn’t feel any safer with Alexander. No romance blossomed, no friendship and Aaron knew that’s the way it was going to stay. They weren't compatible. Maybe things would have been different if Aaron had time to get to know Alexander, maybe not. But that’s not how things were. He was stuck with a man he didn’t love and couldn’t find a friend in. Aaron hoped Alexander would notice that something was wrong, that he wasn’t happy or that they weren’t in a such a loving relationship like he thinks. But Alexander didn’t. Which only made Aaron question what goes on in that head of his.

“Earth to Aaron!” Alexander yelled.

Aaron blinked and realized he’d zoned out. “Sorry, what were you saying?”

“Of course you’re not listening to me,” Alexander scoffed, rolling his eyes.

“I’m sorry, I zoned out. Could you please tell me what you said.”

“Come here.”

To emphasize his point, he patted the bed. Aaron tried to hide his shiver. He didn’t want to, he didn’t want to go on that filthy mattress. But if he didn’t then Alexander would have a fit, and he’s already proven to be irritated and not aware of anyone else. Aaron held in a sigh and complied to Alexander’s ‘request’. He sat down and waited for whatever Alexander wanted to do.

“For Christ's sake, Aaron lay down,” Alexander said.

Aaron looked at the bed then looked at Alexander, and then slowly shook his head. Mrs. Scarlet’s words rang in his ears. All the words he’d been biting down, that was buried in his throat, were itching- crawling their way out of his mouth. The venom he’d been swallowing was dying to taste Alexander. But Aaron didn’t want to open that can of worms so earlier. Alexander was drunk, maybe he could talk this out.

“Alexander, no,” Aaron said, trying not to focus on Alexander’s annoyed face. “I don’t want to do… that. I want to talk about your drinking.”

Alexander seemed to sober up. He groaned and slowly lifted himself up to sitting position, then moved far too close to Aaron. At this distance, Aaron could easily smell the alcohol on him. It was a familiar stench that reminded him of his uncle Timothy. Timothy was a simple yet very angry man with little patience, which was horrible for Aaron. Timothy said snide things that made Aaron’s blood boil, and being the child he was, he acted out. All of his ‘rebellion’ however was met with a hard backhand. Timothy was clever and never left visible marks for people to see, even when he was drunk. The smell of alcohol almost made Aaron flinch back in fear. But he sat still and stood his ground.

“You’re different when you’re drunk,” Aaron started, giving Alexander eye contact to show he was serious. “You’re meaner and rude. And you don’t respect me.”

“I don’t understand what you’re talking about. I’m me… just, maybe a little slower.”

Aaron huffed quietly, and before he could think venom spilled out from his tongue. “Well, all you want to do with me when you’re drunk is fuck me.”

“Jesus,” Alexander muttered, rubbing his hand over his face. “I want to have fun, that’s all! Sue me! Is it my fault I have a beautiful and amazing husband? If you weren’t such a grump then maybe you’d be down with it.”

“Why is it a crime that I don’t want to fuck?”

“Because what else do we have?!”

A heavy silence fell in the room. They both stared at each other, neither of them backing down from their stare off. Aaron bit the inside of his cheeks, feeling the venom and hatred inside die away and felt a new sense of guilt wash over him.

Alexander sighed and leaned back. “I know you don’t love me, hell you don’t even like me. It took a lot of time for me to realize that and when I began courting you, you were still grieving. But I’m impatient and a selfish lover, and I wanted- I want you to be with me.”

Aaron felt his mouth go dry as he couldn’t think of anything to say. He thought he’d kept a good persona of acting like a doting husband. He wondered when his ruse fell through. How long did Alexander know that Aaron was unhappy? Nothing about Alexander’s confession made Aaron feel bad for him. Or at least, that’s what Aaron tried to feel: nothing. But there was a small spark of guilt. He remembered how much Theodosia hated being in a loveless marriage. How she felt stuck, she would confide in him - and only him - and talk about how she wished she been given more time before they married. She believed maybe her late husband would’ve seen how hopeless that marriage was beforehand. Now, here he was. Stuck in the same boat with his husband.

His thoughts were interrupted as Alexander stole his attention by putting a hand on his cheek. Aaron could bat the hand away, stand up and march out of the room. He could. But he couldn’t find the strength to do it. After everything. After his uncle, the death of Theodosia, the ridicule of Lafayette and Laurens, and Hamilton, Aaron didn’t have a sense of fight left. He let Hamilton kiss him and pull him back onto the pillows.

The next morning, Ms. Scarlet gave him some tea that’d help with the pain.

The week went by in a slow manner. The days dragged on like honey dripping from a spoon, and all Aaron could do was move along with it. His routine was simple; repetitive. Each morning, he awoke with the sun, dressed for the day and went downstairs to help Ms. Scarlet with breakfast. Of course, she had two others to help but Aaron would rather help then stay in bed with Hamilton. They made a traditional breakfast and then set the table. Like clockwork, Hamilton came down by the time they finished. They eat together, Hamilton raving on about whatever task he needed to do for the day. Hamilton would scurf the last bits of breakfast, kiss him on the cheek then rush out. Aaron wiped away the kiss and got ready for his work. His once loyal clients were dwindling, finding a lawyer that’d go to court with them. But Aaron didn’t blame them. He adapted. He handled divorce and last will and testaments instead. He didn’t always work with the best of clients; usually young ones who didn’t have that much time or money, or the older variety who couldn’t keep up with the new laws. Aaron doesn’t leave the office that often, only to relieve himself or to eat. Each day, Ms. Scarlet tries her hardest to get him to come out. She tried to compel him with treats and the promise of exciting activities. Aaron always smiled and shook his head.

He didn’t feel safe or even clever anymore. He never figured out how Hamilton knew of his pretending, and now that was all in the open, why should he even leave his office? If he was such a horrible actor, then there was no point of putting up a performance.

For a month or so, maybe it was longer or shorter Aaron really didn’t know, that’s how everything went. He tried to fill in his time as much as possible. All the while avoiding Hamilton. If Hamilton came home, Aaron left suddenly to go to town with some fake errands. He didn’t want to be around that man anymore. The thought of divorce came to his mind repeatedly but Aaron knew Hamilton won’t be someone who’ll sign some papers and let bygones be bygones. So Aaron made sure to drive the line deep. He asked Ms. Scarlet to prepare him a separate bedroom and he’s decided that’s where he’ll sleep from then on.

One night, Aaron returned his Hamilton's home after a long walk around. He knew Hamilton would be asleep by now, either by himself or passed out drunk. He quietly opened the door and closed it; locking it behind himself. After the walk, he was tired, his feet ache and he was more than ready for bed. His plan was to go to his new bedroom, making a note in mind that tomorrow he’d gather his things, and sleep in his underwear. But he saw a small light in the kitchen. Concerned, Aaron didn’t go up the stairs but instead walked towards the kitchen. He held back a groan as he saw Hamilton sitting on the counter, drunk with a bottle of whatever alcohol he could find from the pantry.

“You shouldn’t be drinking so late,” Aaron scolded. “Or be on top of the counter.”

Hamilton scoffed and looked up from his bottle. He looked at him with a cold stare, and a frown etched across his lips. “Where have you been?”

Aaron blinked. “Why does it matter? I’m here.”

Hamilton didn’t seem convinced and hoped down from the counter, he took a swing of the alcohol before putting it down with a loud clunk and then marched right over to Aaron. Aaron flinched when Hamilton roughly grabbed his shoulders and pulled him forward. At first, Aaron thought it was because he was going to kiss him. He felt a rush of panic. But he was wrong. Hamilton pulled him forward and smelled his neck. Confused and shocked, Aaron shoved Hamilton back.

“What the hell was that?!” Aaron yelled before thinking.

“Where have you been?” Hamilton repeated. “What the fuck have you been doing? You’re always out when I’m here or you’re busy with clients…”

“Alexander, what are you even rambling about? What’s wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong you with me? What’s wrong with you?! I know I’m not your dream husband, but you shouldn’t sleep around like some whore!”

Aaron blinked. He’s dealt with a lot of Hamilton’s shit, but this topped it. “What. Are. You. Talking about?!”

“I was with my friends when John told me a rumor about you. That your business is sinking and you're turning to prostitution,” Hamilton finally explained, his words coming out like venom.

“Oh my god, and you believe him?!” Aaron almost shrieked. “I’ll admit, my law practice isn’t going well but I wouldn’t resort to prostitution!”

“How can I believe you? You’re either always home when I’m gone or out when I’m home. And now you had Ms. Scarlet make a bedroom for you. Have you already been using it to fuck people?”

“You’re insane,” Aaron spat. “I’m not dealing with this right now, we’ll talk in the morning when you’re sober.”

Aaron didn’t need to listen to this shit, he didn’t need Hamilton accusing him of spreading his legs for money. Aaron turned around and began to walk away, but he was stopped cold when Hamilton grabbed his wrist and jerked him back.

“Don’t you dare fucking walk away,” Hamilton hissed. “I want the goddamn truth.”

“I’m telling you the truth but you’re not listening! You’re just thinking what you want! Now, let go of me!”

Hamilton didn’t, his grip just tightened. “Just tell me what you’ve been doing!”

“I haven’t done anything! Let go, you’re hurting me!”

“Shut up and tell me the truth!”

“Stop it! Let go! You fucking hot-headed, bastard!”

Aaron didn’t see Hamilton’s hand. It was fast and hard, hitting its target with full force. At first, Aaron didn’t do anything. He didn’t even feel the slap until it finally set in. Even when it began to tingle, Aaron couldn’t move. The shock overcame him and forced him to stay still.

“Don’t you ever call me that again,” Hamilton said.

It wasn’t just words or a command, it was a threat. Aaron felt a sick nauseous feeling raise inside him. The sudden feeling felt all too familiar, he remembered feeling it so much around his uncle. Being on edge because he had no clue what the man would do. His heart quickened and his breath caught in his throat. He was scared. For a moment, Aaron almost apologized. The words were on his tongue but he bit his lips to prevent them from coming out. He wasn’t a child anymore, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to apologize when Hamilton had done the unthinkable. In a swift motion, Aaron jerked his hand out of Hamilton’s iron grip and shoved him back. Hamilton, drunk and caught off guard, fall back. Aaron took advantage and ran off. He ran out of the kitchen and down to the stairs, going up two at a time. The bedroom he had Mrs. Scarlet prepare had a lock. Aaron just had to make it to the end of the hallway. Behind him, he could hear Hamilton chasing after him. Running at full speed, he slammed right into the door.

“Aaron! Come back here!”

Hearing Hamilton’s voice so close terrified him, Aaron throw open the door and slammed it shut behind him, making sure to lock it. Just as the bolt made a click, Hamilton caught up. A loud thud hit the door, causing Aaron to jump back. Hamilton tried to open the door but the lock prevented any entry. Aaron’s heart pounded hard against his chest, his pulse racing as Hamilton pounded against the door.

“Aaron, open the damn door!”

Aaron backed away. He kept his eyes on the door as if he expected it to break open under Hamilton’s fists.

“Open this door!”

He felt his back hit up against the wall. He felt his knees go weak. Aaron slide down to the floor. He pulled his knees up to his chest, eyes wide and mouth agape. Once he finally caught his breath, Aaron broke down. The sound of Hamilton yelling and his fist against the door became a white noise as he cried to himself. Aaron took the pouch he hide down his shirt and clenched it tight. He tried so hard to pretend that the worn leather was Theodosia’s hand. He wanted to be with her again so bad, to in her arms and feel safe. But she was gone and he remained alone. Stuck. Aaron touched his stinging cheek and choked down a sob. He tried to reason with himself that this was a surprise, that Hamilton was far too drunk and angry. But it was an excuse. Not just for Hamilton but himself. There were so many warning signs that he dismissed and overlooked. He couldn’t overlook this. If he did, he knew it’d be another wall torn down and Hamilton would have another weapon in his pocket.

Eventually, the banging and yelling stopped. Aaron swallowed a lump in his throat and wiped the stray tears that ran down his face. Sometime later, who really knows, Aaron heard some noises; a floor creak and groan. After a little while, he could hear footsteps to indicate that Hamilton had taken his leave. He released a breath he didn’t he know he was holding. Safety and relief flooded him as he took comfort in knowing Hamilton wasn’t on the other side of the door. Like a wounded dog, Aaron dragged himself into the bed. He felt so tired and he hadn’t realized it until he felt the comfort of the bed under him. He slipped under the covers but made sure to keep his eyes on the door.

It felt like early morning when he finally passed out. Aaron had been nodding off for so long, and the warmth lulled him to sleep. Even as he went under, his grip on the pouch never loosened.


	5. Breaking the Cycle

Waking the next day was rough. Aaron awoke in the late afternoon. He opened his eyes and didn’t feel refreshed. He felt like hell. His eyes stung from crying so much and his tongue felt like cotton. Aaron slowly sat up, feeling his body ache, and stared at the wall in front of him. Thankfully the sun wasn’t coming through the window so Aaron was given that blessing. However, his small taste of bliss turned sour as he soon realized that he needed to leave this room. Fear crept in as the overwhelming sense of dread grasped at him. He turned his head towards the door and stared it down. Aaron wondered if Hamilton was awake. If he was waiting for Aaron to leave the protection of these four walls. The thought of it frightened him even more. Making him feel like a cat in a dog pound. He couldn’t even sneak out if he wanted to, all his things were in the lion's den.

He took deep breaths, trying to soothe his nerves. He wanted to make a decision with a clear mind. When he finally calmed his paranoia, Aaron leaned back to lay down and shut his eyes.

There are so many choices in human life. Most are made without a thought, others made by pure routine or caused by adrenaline. Aaron knew everything he’d done had led him to this moment. From never setting boundaries to caving under pure pressure and fake honey-coated words. Now, Aaron had to make the right choices to get out of this predicament. As much as he wants to, he couldn’t up and leave. Everything he owned belonged here. His clothes, books, letters, his work. It was unrealistic to pack everything up before Hamilton noticed. And he couldn’t leave them behind either. Who knew what Hamilton would do? Aaron had lots of paperwork that were private and he wasn’t going to jeopardize his client's privacy. He needed time and a plan, neither of which he had.

So. For once in his life, Aaron decided to wing it. All he needed was some paperwork and then he could leave. He didn’t know what Hamilton might do to him, his stinging cheek proved that, and he wasn’t going to sit around like a lame duck.

Aaron opened his eyes and quickly got out of bed. Though determined, and having an urge to slam that door open, Aaron was mindful of himself and opened the door quietly. He didn’t know if Hamilton was home or not. Thankfully, the door hinges didn’t squeak and the door opened smoothly. Aaron didn’t bother to close it and carefully hurried to his office; careful of any loose floorboards. He gathered all his private paperwork and quickly tucked it all into his suitcase. Once that issue was solved, Aaron made his way out of this blasted house. Each step down the stairs felt uplifting like he was finally kicking off the shackles around his ankles. A small smile crept upon his lips as he saw the door in view. Joy and giddiness blossomed in his chest. Aaron cherished that feeling. It’d been so long, perhaps too long for a human being, since he’s felt this way. He took a deep breath as he reached out for the doorknob.

“Aaron!”

Before Aaron could even touch the brass metal, he froze in place. The happiness drained quickly out of him and his heart skipped a beat. He felt like a burglar caught in a robbery.

“Oh my God, I’m so relieved that you’re still here,” Hamilton said, with a tone of voice that sounded pitiful.

“I’m leaving,” Aaron choked out, trying to sound firm.

“You’re what-? No, no, no! Aaron, please!”

Aaron spun around, eyebrows furrowed together. The look on Hamilton’s face was sorrowful. His eyes were wide and glossy, mouth in a frown, and hair in disarray. Aaron could see he didn’t get much sleep. Good. The bastard doesn’t deserve a wink of sleep after what he did. After everything he did.

“I don’t want to hear it,” Aaron said, wanting to say something before Hamilton twisted some story. “I can’t take this anymore. I can’t take constantly being talked down to or the way you parade me around, or how your friends are always assholes! But, most importantly, I can’t take being with you anymore!”

Aaron was almost yelling by the end of the last word. He never raised his voice before because he was afraid it would give a different meaning to his words. But this time, Aaron was happy he did. The harsh tone of his voice was needed to drive the point home, to get it through Hamilton’s thick skull.

“Aaron, please I’m so sorry what I did last night,” Hamilton said as if Aaron hadn’t said anything.

“It’s not just about what happened last night. It’s about everything that’s built up to last night!”

“I know, and I’m sorry! I just… I was drunk and John told about a rumour and I was insecure, then I got angry and then you called me a bastard…” the words trailed off. Hamilton sighed and brushed back the mess of his hair. “I’ve been called that a lot, mostly because it’s true. You were the one person who didn’t. And when you called me a bastard, all that anger came rushing out onto you. I had no right to treat you like that, or how I’ve treated you in the past.”

“At least we agree on that,” Aaron spat. He turned around to walk out the door.

But Hamilton stopped him once again. Aaron froze when he felt Hamilton’s hands grab his shoulders. He was ready to push Hamilton off him, but what he wasn’t ready for was Hamilton spinning him back around and pulling him into a bear hug. Aaron didn’t know what to do. There wasn’t much he actually could do. Hamilton had him practically pinned. He hugged him in such a way that Aaron couldn’t push him back and had a death grip on Aaron. His arms wrapped around Aaron’s body and his head rested in the slump of Aaron’s neck. Aaron’s entire brain went blank as he struggled to think of what to do.

“Please don’t leave me,” Hamilton begged, beginning to sound like a broken record. “You make me feel so happy and I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Aaron turned his head away and tried to push Hamilton off, which only prompted Hamilton’s embrace to tighten. “You’re the best thing- most wonderful person who has come into my life.”

"Hamilton-"

"Please don't call me that," Hamilton said softly. "It feels cold. I love it when you call me Alexander. It makes me feel you care about me."

"Why can't you see that that's the truth?" Aaron whispered, not thinking twice.

Hamilton didn't say anything, just hold him tighter; if that was even possible. Aaron could feel Hamilton shaking, and to his surprise, Hamilton's knees buckled and he slid down to his knees. Aaron didn't know what to do as Hamilton hit the floor. A part of him wanted to kick Hamilton off him and run, but the other part of him could never kick a man when he was down. Hamilton kept his arms wrapped around him, burying his head into Aaron's stomach. Aaron felt cold guilt creeping up inside him as muffled sobs came through his ears. If things were a little more different, maybe Aaron would console him. But Hamilton hit him. That wasn't okay. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that Aaron had to bite his lips to keep from sobbing for so long. He asked for nothing in return. And now, when he was finally making a step up and living, Hamilton was openly sobbing. Aaron tried to think that they were all crocodile tears, but the genuine sound of feelings and the way Hamilton shook didn't feel fake. Aaron looked down at the mess of a man his so-called husband had become. The persistent guilt chewed his insides.

He knew how awful it was to be alone. The first weeks after Theodosia had died were heartbreaking for him. The house was empty, the bed felt cold, and the days and nights stretched out for what seemed to be forever. Aaron avoided - still avoids - the stores they went to. Getting rid of her clothes and items was a blow he thought he would never get over. After that, it really felt like Theodosia was dead. There was no more of her things even if she magically came back. There was no room in the small house he bought for himself to live in. He was far too busy to have time for her anymore. After the third month, she was permanently erased from his life. But not from his emotions and feelings. As much as he knew how horrible their marriage was, Aaron knew there were some things he did enjoy. He actually liked preparing dinner for Alexander, or when Alexander insisted on going out to dinners and sharing a bed. Aaron missed the domestic bliss.

Aaron wished he could say he walked out of the door.

But he didn't.

Instead of being smart, instead of listening to his common sense, he listened to his feelings.

He gently cupped Alexander's face and made his husband look up to him. Alexander's face was a red mess. Tears ran down his face and there was some snot. Aaron knelt down to get at eye level with Alexander.

"I want to believe you," Aaron said. "I want to console in you. But I don't want to hurt anymore."

"Oh, Aaron," Alexander softly muttered. He used one hand to cup Aaron's cheek. "I never wanted to hurt you. I was so drunk and mad and I was out of control-"

"I don't want to hear your excuses," Aaron cut him off, glaring his husband down. "I don't want to hear your reasoning for your mistakes. I want to know what you'll do fix this mess between us."

"I won't drink anymore," Alexander quickly said. He took the hands on his face and gently squeezed them. "I'm going to talk and listen to you, actually get to know you. Make up for the time I forgot in the beginning. I'll be behind you, I swear."

"Alexander, please don't make promises you won't keep."

"Aaron, I swear to you, I'm not lying. I'm going to get this marriage turned around."

"... okay. Good, thank you. I'll hold you to that."

"But-"

"But what?" Aaron said the warmth that had built up vanished.

"I want you to emotionally invest in this relationship too."

"Oh."

Aaron married Alexander out of guilt and under threat. There wasn't much to build off for them, or at least for Aaron. It wasn't like for Theodosia and himself. For them, there was some rush to it. He was young and stupid, she was ten years older and married. Of course, he was worried about ruining a good marriage, but Theodosia chased those fears off by telling him her marriage was as cold as a kitchen after a poor season of harvest. They eloped as soon as they could when she divorced. Aaron had loved her so much. She listened to him, unlike his family. Unlike his uncle. Their relationship had sprouted up from excitement and joy and understanding. Alexander... Aaron didn't know if Alexander could offer him the same things she did. But no two people weren't the same. A hurricane and volcano cause different kinds of damage. And maybe now it was time to rise from the ashes of Theodosia's eruption.

Aaron took a deep breath and looked into Alexander's eyes and smiled lightly. "I... I'll invest into you if you promise to invest in your promises."

Alexander smiled back, his more full of hope than Aaron’s. "Okay. It's going to be fine because we're going to be us. I have a small surprise for you actually, c'mon."

Alexander stood up first and pulled Aaron up with him. He took the lead, holding Aaron's hand, to where he had this so-called surprise. Aaron couldn't help him but look back at the door. A stinging feeling of regret swelled in his throat as he was forced to walk away from it. Despite their talk, Aaron felt like he was prey that escaped from an animal trap only to find himself in the arms of the hunter who was carrying him off. He was out of the trap, but not safe. Alexander leads him to the kitchen, and Aaron smiled softly as he pieced together the surprise. The pans and pots in the sink gave it away. But Aaron still acted shocked at the breakfast Alexander made him. It was evident that Alexander couldn’t cook, but Aaron ate it nevertheless. It was nice for once to be taken care of. Alexander’s terrible habits, sleep deprivation and drinking, often left him a mess. Each time, Aaron was there to piece Alexander back together. For the first time, Alexander was here to pick him up. They both sat at the old chestnut wood dining table, Aaron eating the burnt eggs and almost raw bacon. They were quiet for a moment. Neither knows how to take the first step forward.

Of course, it was Alexander who spoke up first.

"Can you tell me about yourself?" He asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know, just. Tell me about you. What you like to do, where you grew and such. Just, things I should've known before rushing into this marriage."

It was an attempt. Maybe not the best, but Aaron appreciated the attempt. He finished chewing the eggs in his mouth quickly and slowly opened up. He talked about school and what his favourite things were. Alexander never failed to make a comment, but at least he was interested. Aaron didn't speak about the private moments from his childhood or home life nor his previous marriage. He didn't want to go that deep. He kept the conversation light and sweet. He spoke of clients and lonely walks that paid him back with a view. He talked in depth of how the sun looked when setting or the way the stars made the moon look like a mother. Aaron expected Alexander to nod off or zone out, but he didn’t. His attention was fixed on Aaron.

The following week, they both made good on their word. Alexander got rid of any alcohol in the house, and set time aside for them to talk and bond. And Aaron let Alexander into his life. It was easier said than done; of course.

Going cold turkey on alcohol was like learning to swim by leaping into the ocean. After a few hours of going straight, Aaron saw the withdrawal symptoms. He stuck by Alexander’s side like glue, worried about what he might do. In the first hours, Alexander was restricted to his bed. With the help of Ms. Scarlett, Aaron made sure that Alexander was taken care of. She kept him running downstairs for more cold towels to prevent a fever, and he emptied out the bowl that Alexander was using to vomit in. When Alexander wasn't throwing up, he was groaning and complaining about his aching head. Ms. Scarlett helped him by making him some tea, but it did little good because it came back up anyways. As horrible as that was, Aaron hated it even more when Alexander had passed out. He knew Ms. Scarlett knew of the bruise. He didn't cover it up. Aaron didn't know the first thing about makeup and he wasn't going to go out and buy some. Besides, Alexander had asked him not to leave the house until the bruise faded. It made Aaron feel suspicious but he could understand the logic. They wanted a fresh start and they couldn't have that if the neighbourhood was spreading rumours. However, there were eyes inside their home. Aaron felt the servants stare at his face while he cooked. He could practically hear Ms. Scarlett yelling at Alexander. But she wouldn't when he was in this state. Which meant, sooner or later, whether or not he was her boss, she'll give him a stern talking too. Aaron wasn't excited for that hurricane and tornado to collide.

On the fifth day, when Alexander had fallen asleep and Aaron was out of the room, Ms. Scarlett cornered him. She stood in front of the door, blocking his safe zone. She had her arms by her side, and her body language read clam. But Aaron could see that she was ready to flip.

"What happened?" Ms. Scarlett asked, her eyes narrowing down on him.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Aaron said, hoping she'll take that answer.

Apparently not. Her mouth stretched down into a frown at his answer. "That's not true and you and I both know it."

"I don't want to talk about it," Aaron tried to weasel out but that wasn't going to happen.

“Aaron, that bruise sticks out on you like a fox in a hen house.”

“It… it wasn’t intentional-”

“No, no, no!” Scarlett caught in, waving her arms frantically. “Don’t you dare try to cover his sorry ass! What he did was unacceptable! What he’s done is unacceptable!”

“I know that.”

“Then why are you protecting him? Why stay?”

“Because I don’t have anyone else or anywhere to go to!”

Scarlett's face softened. “And you think staying here is better?”

Aaron bit his bottom lip and looked down at the towels in the cold water. “I don’t know where I’d go, who I even have left. If I leave, then I’ll lose you and the others. This marriage isn’t ideal, but I’m- we’re both trying to make the best of it.”

Ms. Scarlett’s had uncertainty written across her face. She examined the younger man, her eyes darting to the bruise and to his eyes multiple times. After some time, she released a withheld breath and her face fell into a sympathetic look.

“I can’t tell you what to do,” Scarlett sighed. “You’re an adult and all I have to offer is advice.”

Before Aaron could say something, she gave him a sad smile and walked off. Aaron looked over his shoulder, watching the old woman walk away. A sour taste erupted from his stomach and made it’s home on his tongue. Aaron tried to swallow it down, or ignore it, but it only got stronger as he entered his shared bedroom with Alexander. The sour taste only grew stronger and bitter as the day went on.

Eventually, after lots of coaxing and care, Alexander was coming down from his withdrawal. He and Aaron began talking again. Alexander was still recovering so they stayed in bed together. Aaron sat next to Alexander, who was propped up with pillows.

“How is everyone at the office?” Alexander asked again. “Is Lafayette and Angelica holding up?”

“They’re as just as fine as I told you five minutes ago,” Aaron teased.

Alexander chuckled and shrugged. Aaron rolled his eyes at him. Alexander loved work and his newspaper was practically his baby, and while Alexander hated spending his time away from work, he actually kept his word of spending actual quality time with Aaron. They both took time away from work after Alexander stopped by the newsroom to quickly check up.

Now that Alexander was clean and clear-minded and open to listening, they left together for an actual honeymoon. Aaron had wanted to help Alexander plan it out, but Alexander insisted on deciding on all the details. He told Aaron he wanted to make up for lost time. At first, Aaron was a little worried about what Alexander had in store for him, but when the surprise was finally revealed he was genuinely surprised. Alexander had somehow found and rented a small cabin surrounded by wildflowers. It felt nice and peaceful, exactly what Aaron needed. They were staying for a week and Alexander had already stocked the food and prepared the bedding. The cabin definitely had a cozy feel to it, and Aaron really liked the surprise.

The first two days were awkward. They both stumbled around, unsure of what to say or do. It felt like they were on the ice. Mostly because it was true. Any wrong move would send them plummeting into cold waters. Alexander treated Aaron more like a frightened animal in a cage, scared he’d get bit if he got too close. As nice as the distance was, it’s not what they needed for their relationship. So by the third day, Aaron took the first step. He was scared and hurt and worried, but he was going to hold up to his word and invest in their relationship. So instead of walking by himself at night, he asked Alexander if he’d like to join him. Alexander’s face lit up and quickly rushed to grab his coat. Aaron filled in most of the walk with talking, surprisingly.

Aaron turned to look at Alexander, tearing his focus away from the stars, and saw Alexander just watching him. Aaron’s eyebrow rose. “What?”

“Nothing. Just, you have a nice voice. I like it when you talk.”

“Oh,” was Aaron could say.

On the fourth day, Alexander had insisted on staying in bed. Aaron chuckled and rolled his eyes, but didn’t go against it. It was raining and they still had three more days to enjoy the scenery. Alexander made a plate of fruit they eat in bed and brought some books for them to read. It was calm and nice. Of course, it was still Alexander. He would make comments or laugh out loud or ramble off, but it was unlike when he boosted in public or about work. It felt genuine. The fifth day, Alexander had a surprise for him. The weather had cleared up and the sun shined down. Alexander took Aaron down to the lake with a picnic basket and blanket. The talked and joked. Alexander fished out stones that caught his eye from the water. The sixth day, they played chess and other games they knew.

As complicated as their relationship is, the week was simple and nice. Aaron felt… comfort. He recognized this feeling, it was domestic bliss. To have someone to lean on, talk to, and to be listened to. Alexander kept his word as well, as far as Aaron could tell he was sober. Once the alcohol and the obsession of work went away, Alexander was a good man. Like when they first meet. Shiney and new, excited for the next day. However, Aaron wouldn’t let himself be blind sighted. When Alexander went to sleep, Aaron stayed up to make sure he didn’t go out for a drink. You could call it paranoia, but Aaron called it being cautious.

By the seventh day, there was a slip and fall.

Once the day was over and the kitchen was cleaned up, they were off to bed. The past six nights they shared a bed. It was awkward; to say the least. Aaron always slept on his side, his back to Alexander. He didn’t know how to open up this part of himself. But Alexander appeared to have an idea. Like all the nights before, Aaron turned to his side, and he expected to fall asleep. This night was different. Aaron felt the bed gave weight as Alexander shuffled closer to him. Aaron could feel his heart begin to speed up as Alexander put an arm around him.

“Alexander?” Aaron said, his tongue feeling like cotton.

“Yeah?”

“What are you doing?”

There was a moment of silence before Alexander answered. “I just want to hold you close.”

Aaron could hear the desperate tone, and for whatever reason he allowed Alexander to hold him. He didn’t sleep. He stayed awake, blinking and losing his mind in the silence. The only thing he could focus on was Alexander touching him and his breathing. Neither was comforting. Morning came and Aaron was tired, Alexander picked up his weight and they rode a carriage back home. Aaron leaned up against the side and closed his eyes, he almost fell asleep but he felt Alexander’s hand on his thigh. The touch was practically burning him, Aaron shook himself awake. He didn’t understand why Alexander touching him was such a big no-no for his body. They had held hands and other small touches, but it was different now. The touches before were more… appropriate. Friendlier. The touches in bed and in the carriage felt more intrusive. Aaron didn’t say anything though, they were just building a bridge and he didn’t want it to collapse. When they came home, Aaron said hello to Ms. Scarlet before going to bed.

Like Aaron thought and knew, Alexander missed his work and practically jumped back into it. Aaron stayed home, writing letters to his clients that he was back and now ready for work. The same clients came back, of course, but Aaron noticed a handful of new clients coming to him. He was a little confused at first, wondering why they came to him when there were other lawyers who had proper offices in the city. But his question was soon answered through an off-hand comment. It’d been something about Hamilton's paper. Aaron felt the answer come together, and deep down he didn’t like it.

Later in the evening, Aaron was in thought as he prepared dinner. He kneaded the bread dough, staring off at the wall.

“You don’t need to knead it no more,” Ms. Scarlett said, interrupting his thoughts.

“Huh? Oh! The dough, sorry Ms. Scarlett,” Aaron replied. He left it alone for a moment to grab a rolling pin and began rolling the dough out. Once it was the size he desired, he used a floured cup to cut out circles to make scones.

“Here’s the egg wash,” Mrs. Scarlett put the small bowl filled with beaten eggs beside him.

“Thank you,” Aaron said, flashing her a grateful smile.

She watched him use the small brush to apply the egg to the dough, making sure he was doing it right before she started talking. “How was your… little vacation with Mr. Hamilton?”

“It was good,” Aaron answered truthfully. “It was nice.”

“But?”

“There’s no but.”

“Aaron, I’ve lived long enough to know when there’s a ‘but’.”

Aaron sighed, pausing his task for a moment before continuing. “There’s no ‘but’ because that’s all that it was. Nice. I know he was trying, but I don’t feel anything for him other than maybe friendship.”

Mrs. Scarlett didn’t say anything. Aaron didn’t wait for a response though. He finished up putting a coat of eggs on top then sprinkled some cheese, he popped them into the oven. Aaron checked on the stew that was cooking on the stove top, making sure that the meat and vegetables didn’t go soggy or get stuck at the bottom. Besides his work, cooking was his true joy. You followed a recipe, maybe add a thing or two of your own, but in the end, there was nothing more to it then reading.

“Have you told Mr. Hamilton of this?” She asked, finally speaking up.

“How can I?” Aaron said in a sad tone, shaking his head. “He’s been making all this effort, he quit drinking, he’s better with his temper.”

“But you’re not happy.”

No, he wasn’t, was what Aaron wanted to say. “I’m not unhappy. Just not in love.”

“Don’t you deserve love, though? Why stay married to someone who you don’t love? If he truly respects you then he’ll oblige to a divorce.”

“I wish it was as simple as that,” Aaron whispered.

He doesn’t know if Mrs. Scarlett heard him, but she didn’t say anything if she did. She just helped him set the table. Alexander came home a little later than usual, stressed and dishevelled. He sat down with Aaron and began to talk on and on about work. Aaron patiently waited till Alexander finished, carefully listening and reacting to his words. A nod here, a chuckle, maybe even a gasp. However, as Alexander kissed Aaron on the cheek when he came home, Aaron thought for a moment he smelled alcohol. He tried to reason with himself that Alexander probably just spent some time with John or Hercules. But the smell lingered in the morning, and so the ice started to break. Aaron stayed quiet. He didn’t accuse Hamilton of drinking again. Whatever truce they formed, Aaron didn’t want to ruin it. It felt nice to talk and be listened to, Aaron only hoped that Hamilton could control himself.

They both kept their secrets. Hamilton pretended he wasn’t drinking again, and Aaron pretended to not be able to taste the beer on him. Slowly, they reverted back to their old ways, neither even knowing it. Aaron retreated back inside himself and Hamilton’s anger and bad habits came back. Ms. Scarlett knew, of course, she knew he knew as well, but thankfully she didn’t say anything. This was the grave he dug himself, and he wasn’t expecting her to pull him out. Aaron kept pretending to be happy, on and off stage, in hopes Alexander wouldn’t suspect his plan on leaving.

It was simple and quiet, nothing dramatic. Aaron finished up business with clients and give them a recommendation and their confidential papers back. Despite the lack of contact, Aaron wrote to his old friend Charles Lee, asking to live under his roof while he went through a divorce. Of course, Ms. Scarlett knew. She helped him pack a bag in secret. As soon as Charles Lee wrote back, welcoming him into his home, that’s when the plan was a go.

It was Thursday morning and Alexander had left for work, he wouldn’t be back for hours and that was perfect. The staff gave him a goodbye, Ms. Scarlett giving him a tight and long hug.

“Please stay safe my darling,” Ms. Scarlett whispered.

“I’ll try,” Aaron said.

She gave him a small peck on his head, much like a mother would, and walked him to the door. They both agreed it’d be best if he walked, fewer eyewitnesses and no one to rat him out. He said goodbye one more time before walking away from the house of his second marriage. Unlike his first, Aaron didn’t look back or felt a longing in his heart. Aaron pulled the pouch out from under his shirt, no longing have to keep it secret from Hamilton. It felt good, it felt amazing.

For the first time in a long time, Aaron felt a little hopeful. As if Theodosia was guiding him.


End file.
